2 Years Ago, Chris 12 Years, Lydia 12 Years.
Chris.
I didn’t just want her as a friend or a best friend. I wanted her as a girlfriend, for real. I would do anything for her. I wanted to tell her, for the first time in my life, that I love her completely and totally. I wanted to tell her that she was the one and only person in my life.
There was no doubt in that moment. I love Lydia Jamison. It all became clear in that moment how much I loved her.
And the very next moment I knew us being together would never happen. I knew what everyone was saying about us, about what we supposedly did. It would destroy Lydia if I told her I loved her because then everyone would hate her, call her names, and maybe even beat her up. I could never be the reason or the cause of hurting her. So I just won’t tell her how I felt about her.
We can never be together, then. This new romantic love, which I just discovered, can never happen because of the damage it would to her. I had to protect her from that. I hated to say it more than anything, but romance is for other people. It was not for us and I don’t think it.
***
Present.
Chris.
I slowly walked down the sidewalk. Lydia was long gone by now. I had no idea what to do. Lydia was in love with me and had been ever since she knew me. I’d been in love with her for at least two years. This should have been our big moment, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
But now I knew there was no way I could do it. I had to protect Lydia. I couldn’t let her get hurt by us becoming a couple.
I wanted so badly to go back to the way things were. When it was us as best friends, the world could fight against us but our friendship was strong. But this whole time…
I slowly walked up the steps to my house and opened the door. “Hi Chris.” my mom said. She smiled at me, and then looked concerned. “Wait, where’s Lydia? Weren’t you two going to study today?”
“No.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled and walked upstairs to my room.
Here we were. Things were officially awkward between us. I had no idea what to say to her, and she seemed to not know what to say to me. Chris and Lydia used to be Best Friends Forever.
Christmas break I stayed in my own house, reading, watching TV, playing video and computer games, surfing the internet, doing anything I could to ignore her. I had no idea what she was doing but I guessed it was the same.
Before this year, Lydia and I would be over at each other’s houses all the time, decorating, wrapping presents (what better place to hide presents for your family than next door at your best friend’s house?). Our conversation would fill the space of Christmas break. Now the silence was deafening.
Christmas finally came, but all the presents, they seemed like useless trinkets and gift cards to places I would never visit. I forced myself to smile and say thank you, but it all felt pointless.
We brought potatoes, rolls, and cranberries while the Jamison’s cooked the turkey, according to tradition. We walked in, and parents quickly greeted each other and quickly embroiled in conversation. I just stood there in the doorway and looked at Lydia sitting on the couch. Mark didn’t look up from his video game. He got a new one for Christmas.
The parents sat at one end of the dining table while the kids sat at the other. Lydia and I kept staring at each other and then averting our eyes. Every once in a while, one of our parents would look at us and ask if everything was okay, and we said yes, but we said nothing to each other. The turkey felt like nails in my throat that traveled to my stomach.
After dinner, we moved from the dining room to the living room. Lydia picked the farthest seat away from me. The whole time, I kept trying to force myself from keeping my eyes on her, and she did the same thing to me. I would try to smile and nod with whatever our moms were talking about, but it was so hard. It was so hard just to be there in that room.
Finally, my parents said it was time to go, and we got up, grabbed our dishes and went out the door. For one second, I looked at Lydia and almost said something, but then the moment passed and my mom and dad were already out the door. I turned and hurried after them.
I went straight up to my room, and sure enough, not five minutes later, they both came in.
“We’re concerned about how Lydia and you are doing. You guys didn’t say anything to each other today.”
I was tempted to tell them everything…but how could they keep this from Mr. and Mrs. Jamison? They would eventually confront Lydia, and she would hate me all over again. No. “Look, Mom and Dad, I wouldn’t be making the situation any better by telling you what was going on.”
“We disagree,” My mom said. “You need to tell us what’s going on.”
“I can’t,” I said. I stood firm. “I’m sorry.” Part of me hated it. Gone was the time when I told my parents everything. “Please don’t ask me again; there is no way you can help. I promise.”
They looked disappointed. “If you change your mind, we’re right here to listen,” my dad said. They left the room.
December twenty-fifth faded into December twenty-sixth, which faded into the twenty-seventh. It was the blur of silence that killed me. Bright, lively conversation used to fill my time. Now, there was nothing.
`I wanted to apologize, wanted to say I was sorry. But what could I be sorry for? Sorry for protecting Lydia from getting hurt? Sorry for not being considerate of her feelings? Maybe, I don’t know.
But she wasn’t very kind either. It was almost like she was demanding that I be in love with her. I was – and it was the reason I choose not to tell her my true feelings so that she would be safe from harm.
I waited on the sidewalk just like I always did. I shivered in the cold morning air. It was so early the sun hadn’t even come up yet. Come on, would she really want to be with me right now? Shouldn’t I just run ahead and let her be alone?
But despite everything that happened, I still want her to be with me. All my life, I really didn’t have anyone else who I was close to. They were all nice, of course, but there was no strong connection.
But she was not coming out the door. And why should she? I didn’t give her what she wanted from me all her life. Yeah, it was probably stupid and selfish, but still, I felt for her. She’d had this secret for so long, and then she finally told me. But I didn’t fall into her arms and say that something romantic like she’d wanted all her life.
But that would be far worse for her, right?
I was startled out of my thoughts by the door opening. Slowly, Lydia closed the door and walked up to me. I could still see the hurt in her eyes. We looked at each other for a long time. Then we slowly turned and started walking down the sidewalk. We didn’t say a thing to each other.
We walked up the steps of the school as other students filed in. They all seemed in a hurry to get out of the cold and inside. Everything was speeding around us and we felt in slow motion. We sighed and pushed open the double doors.
We made our way down the hall. I opened my locker and looked at Lydia. She shot a quick look at me, full of hurt, and turned away toward the classroom.
I sighed and walked toward the men’s room. I pushed open the door and walked to the sink and washed my hands.
I looked up in the mirror – and Jeremy was right behind me. Every inch of my body stood straight up on end. I turned my head to see Jeremy standing over me.
“What did you do?” He said to me.
“Jeremy…I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I begged. I started backing away from him.
“Oh, really? Then why is Lydia so sad? There must be something you did. What did you do to her?”
First Lydia, and now I had to deal with this. Could my life get any worse?
“What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything to her!” I insisted. I tried to look away but his eyes were right in front of me. I kept backing up, not knowing what Jeremy would do to me.
“Then why is she so sad? Tell me.”
If I told him the truth, he would use it against me. There was no telling what he would do. So I made up a desperate lie. “It’s you, Jeremy. She was worried about you bothering her. Please leave her alone.”
“I don’t believe you,” He shook his head.
My back hit the wall. I couldn’t back up anymore. I gulped.
“Wait – wait! She’s in love with me, and I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I did love her, too. Okay? That’s…that’s why she so upset. But I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
His lips slowly made its way into a smile. “Oh yes, you did. By not giving her your love, you hurt her. You hurt her bad.”
That comment hit me hard. “You don’t think I know that?” I said to him.
He got up close to my face until our noses were nearly touching. “You know what this means, right?” he whispered to me.
“No,” I said nervously.
He went up to my ear. “I. Win.”
He smiled as he backed away from me. He walked to the door of the bathroom.
He put his hand on the door and then turned around with a death glare.
“If you breathe a word of this to Lydia, I will end you.” Then he was gone.
I couldn’t stop shaking. Jeremy was going after Lydia in a major way, and if I told her, he would hurt me. How could I just let him do this to her?
I slowly got up, walked out the bathroom door and down the hall to the classroom. My hands trembled as I sat down.
I looked over at Lydia in the seat beside me. Why couldn’t I say anything to her? I had to tell her, but how?
Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Time slowed to a crawl as I waited for the day to end. I didn’t want Lydia to get hurt, but Jeremy loomed over everything in my mind. I didn’t even have to tell her what happened, just to stay away from him. At least, then she would have been warned. But after First, Second, and Third Period, I just sat there. Why couldn’t I do it?
The bell rang and we made our way toward lunch. I wanted to tell her but I just stood there near the cafeteria line, eyes darting around the room. Jeremy would jump on her any minute.
After watching me for several seconds, Lydia walked straight up to me. “Chris, I know something’s wrong. What’s going on?”
I gulped but said, “I – I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, it’s okay. Nothing’s going to happen. Why don’t we get in line and get our food.”
I was sure that Lydia would want to stay as far away from me as possible. And now she was pretending as if that big conversation never happened.
What was I freaking out about? Lydia would never consider Jeremy. She hated him, even more than she hated me. The thought almost made me smile. She wouldn’t leave me for him.
“You okay now?” She said with concern on her face.
“Yeah,” I said. “I just hadn’t had a good day so far.”
“I noticed. You ready to get in line?”
I nodded, and we started walking toward the food.
The day was almost over, and the worries started up in my brain again. I was so afraid that Jeremy was right outside in the hall, waiting for her. He was going to say something romantic and try to sweep her off her feet. If only we were already home. As long as we were still at school, there was still a chance he might try something.
The class bell rang and we filed out of the room to the hall. I gulped and tried to relax. Lydia was not going to be influenced by this guy. She was not. I just had to keep saying that to myself.
I looked both ways, and he wasn’t at the end of either hall. Maybe I can relax and we can finally go home.
Lydia opened her locker and a note fell out. She opened it. It had to be from Jeremy.
“Oh, no.” I suddenly looked up at Lydia. “It’s from him, isn’t it?”
She put it in my hands. Lydia, I’m sorry about last time. You deserve to be treated better. Can we work this out? Meet me in the gym. Jeremy. The words looked sincere. I knew otherwise.
Lydia forced a smile. “Look, are you worried that I’m going to agree to go out with him? I closed the door on that the last time he and I talked. No matter what he says, I’m not going out with him, I promise.”
She sighed and looked at the ground. “Look, I know that we aren’t…well, on the best of terms right now. But he doesn’t know that. It looks to me like he’s just going to apologize. And that’s a good thing.”
Chris, you idiot, say something to her about it. She did not know what she was getting into. He was going after her with everything he has got.
“If he does apologize, I’ll forgive him, but I promise I would never date or go out with him. You know that.”
“Yeah,” I finally said after a long pause. “I know that.”
“Wait right here. I’ll only be a few minutes.”
She managed a smile at me and turned away. Come on, say something. She was walking away. Jeremy was coming after her. Please don’t let her fall into his trap. You’re in love with her, and you’re just going to let her leave? Don’t just stand there. Do something!
“Lydia,” I finally called out. But it was too late. She was too far away to hear me. She was gone.