Chapter 16: She’s The Only One Who Understands How I feel

Lydia.

We were riding in Jeremy’s car.  We passed my house a while back, and then Jeremy’s house just a few seconds ago. We still weren’t saying anything to each other, but I was more okay with it this time. Holding hands and wasting time, I could feel the afternoon start to slip away from us.

Why did Jeremy have such a hold on me? When he looked in my eyes, I could see he wanted me. After I realized I loved him, it became very easy to say yes to him. He said all the right things.

And yet, there were some lines I would never cross. I hope he knows that.

“I love you,” He told me again. “You want some ice cream?”

I smiled. “Sure.”

A few minutes later, we arrived at the local ice cream shop. As we got out, I noticed how unusually warm it was for a January day.

We went in and ordered. The ice cream shop was full of bright colors and many varieties of ice cream. A blackboard on the wall showed the sundae specials. I got one of the specials, chocolate brownie ice cream. Jeremy got cookies and cream.

We walked back outside and sat on the curb. There were some outdoor tables on the other side of the building, but I didn’t really notice if someone was on them. We were facing the woods, and I could hear some birds singing. I looked up at Jeremy and smiled, and it didn’t feel forced. This was perfect.

Suddenly, Jeremy took a spoonful and spread it across my face.

“Hey!” I called out. I glared at him. “What did you do that for?” That wasn’t very nice of Jeremy. I could feel cold ice cream dripping down my cheek.

I wiped it off with my napkin and looked away.  Why did he do that?  Did he think it was funny?  Wait…maybe this is how he likes to play around with Amanda…and I’m not acting like Amanda right now. 

“Sorry,” he said a little too sarcastically.

So, maybe he was just playing around. And I had just ruined the moment. I grabbed some ice cream with my spoon and played around with it in the plastic bowl. Then I smiled and tried to put it on his face – but he was too fast for me. He smirked as he grabbed my arm and pulled it away. With his other hand, he tried to get me with his ice cream.

I jumped up and started to run away. He ran after me. We ran all the way around the outside tables. We ran around a table, and then he rushed up to me.

Jeremy rushed up with his spoon ready, but I grabbed his arm. He grabbed my arm before I could get to him.

“Gotcha!” I smiled at him.

I got close to his face. I was having so much fun. “I got you too, what are you going to do about it?”

I stopped playfully struggling and looked straight into his eyes. Jeremy. It was him and me and no one else. He was romantic, amazing and funny. And he was mine.

I leaned in closer to his face and closed my eyes.

I kissed him. Yes, I initiated the kiss. I leaned back and our arms dropped. He slowly put his free hand around my back. I put my free hand on his cheek. We leaned in again…

“Hey!”

We turned to see a young mother at a table with two small children. “Do you mind?”

The little boy and girl stared up at us as if we ruined their innocence by committing a murder or something.  Maybe we had.

“Sorry,” I squeaked at them.

Jeremy let go. “Let’s get out of here.”

I nodded. We walked back over to the ice cream we’d left by the curb on the other side of the building. We picked it up, got in the car and drove away.

Chris.

I sat at dinner as Mom and Dad were discussing their work. Mom’s part time job at the florist was going well. Dad’s new boss was more competent than the last one, but he still knew less about the field than Dad did. Maybe I didn’t need to tell them about Amanda today. It could wait.

“So, Chris, how was your day?” My dad asked.

“Yes, Chris, you told me when you got home that it was ultimately good, and you promised to tell me about it at dinner.”

Did I? Oh, yeah, I did. Stupid Chris.

“Uh…well, I made a new friend today.”

They both smiled. “That’s great,” My mom said.

“That’s awesome,” Dad said.

“Who is it?” Mom asked.

Did we have to talk about this now? Couldn’t we wait for another four years or so when I was in college? Wouldn’t that be a better time?

“Well, uh…”

“Well, who is it?” My dad asked.

“Her name is Amanda…”

“Amanda…”

“Amanda Jacobson.”

They both looked at me confused for a second. “Wait, didn’t you say she was Jeremy’s ex-girlfriend?”

“Uh, yeah…and that was the same girl…um…that was here last night…”

There I said it. Now can I go hide forever?

My parents’ mouths fell wide open. My mom shook her head. They looked like they were going to kill me.

Finally, mom spoke. “I thought I told you to stay away from her.”

“Your mother told me what this girl did. I’m inclined to agree with her,” My dad added.

I hated this, but what could I do? The alternative was far worse.

“Well, yes…but…she’s the only one who understands how I feel. Her ex-boyfriend is with Lydia. Jeremy is with my former best friend. So we’re perfect for each other…” No, I didn’t mean it like that “…in a way.”

Mom sighed.

“I still don’t like what she made you do. Chris, you have to ask yourself, are you doing this because she actually makes a good friend, or are you just doing this because you’re trying to fill the hole that Lydia left?”

She leaned back, waiting for my response. How could I answer that? I finally decided to ignore the question and keep defending myself.

“Look, I’m going to be careful, okay? I told her today that I didn’t want to take revenge, and she agreed with me not to go after them. Yesterday she was really upset because of Jeremy and Lydia, but today she was much better. Everybody has bad days. She’s not always like that. I really want to give this friendship a chance. In case you forgot, I don’t have any other friends! Lydia was it! And now she’s gone, and Amanda actually does want to be my friend. Please, can you be happy for me?”

My dad sighed and managed a slight smile. “Look,” he said and turned to mom, “It sounds like he worked things out. Maybe he’s right. We should be happy for him, especially since...”

“But…why can’t you get Lydia back? She was…” Mom yelled at me. Then she suddenly realized what she was about to say, and jumped up and left the table.

We finished the rest of the dinner in silence. What was I supposed to do? Lydia was very much with Jeremy. She knew this. But even I didn’t really trust Amanda when she said she wouldn’t take revenge. Why did I have the one person who was the most insane to be my friend?

No. Despite all that, we were right about each other. She knew what it was like to lose someone close to you. She did.

***

Chris.

“Hey, Chris,” Amanda called out to me in the school hallway the next day, beside one of her friends.  I was still worried about Amanda. Maybe my mom was right about her. But at the same time, Amanda was right too. She and I were in a unique position together, brought together by hurt. She was messed up, sure, but so was I.

“Hi, Amanda.” I ran to catch up with them.

Amanda’s friend nodded to her as if indicating she wanted to be introduced.

“Oh, this is my friend Katie. We’re on the basketball team together.”

“Hi,” I said to her.

“I think we’ve met once before. The Homecoming Dance,” Katie said to me.

I’d rather forget about that. But I forced myself to smile. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“Would you like to sit with us at lunch?” Amanda asked.

I was probably going to sit alone anyway before they asked.

“Okay, sure,” I told them.

We walked inside.

Lydia.

I looked around in the cafeteria for Jeremy. Yesterday, in the middle of my homework no less, my parents came in again and said I had to call or text them where I was, or I had to stay home. I couldn’t just text back I’m fine without giving details. They said it was my only chance, and they were sick with worry. They said that if it happened again, I would have to head straight home and stay there.

But where was Jeremy in the cafeteria? After looking around, I didn’t see him anywhere. He must be already in line. Well, that was okay. I went and got in line myself.

Chris.

I suddenly recognized the hair and the clothes. Lydia was right in front of me. Just relax, Chris. She didn’t see you. But still, I couldn’t look directly at her. I looked at the ceiling, then at the posters on the walls, and finally at Amanda and Katie beside me.

Katie smiled and spoke up.

“So, Chris, you should come to one of our games or practices. We have a game Thursday night,” Katie said to me.

I wanted to say yes, but given my history with basketball, I tried to avoid basketball games as much as possible.

“Um…”

“Look,” Amanda cut in when I hesitated. “He’s not really a basketball fan. No offense.”

Katie shrugged. “That’s okay…I just had an idea. Greg and I do things on nights we don’t have games. On Friday, we do have practice in the afternoon, but we should be done by six. We were planning to go ice-skating, and we were thinking about inviting you…but then I told Greg it was a bad idea because…” She was about to say something about Jeremy but caught herself. “Anyway, Friday night after practice we could go. Chris, would you like to come?”

“Um…I don’t know anything about ice-skating,” I admitted.

“You’ll learn,” Amanda said to me confidently. “I can teach you.”

“I know you’ll have fun,” Katie said to me. “What do you say?”

But I really hadn’t ever been ice-skating. I didn’t know whether I wanted to try something completely new or not. It sure beat a basketball game, though.

“Can I have a day to think about it?” I finally asked.

“That’s fine. Hey, and we could watch a movie afterward,” Katie said.

“Sure, we can go to my house…if Chris agrees,” Amanda smiled and turned to me. This was my cue to finally say yes.

“I still need time to think about it,” I insisted.

“Okay,” Katie said. We got our food and sat down.

“Hey, where’s your boyfriend?” Amanda asked Katie.

“Greg asked to sit with his basketball buddies today. No big deal, I’m seeing him after class.”

Behind them, I saw Lydia with her tray of food looking around the cafeteria.  She must be looking for Jeremy.  Lydia, I want to talk with you right now.  I want to make sure you’re okay. 

Lydia.

Why was it so hard to find Jeremy?  Finally, I saw him. He was sitting at a full table with no seats beside him. I walked closer but stopped when I saw there were absolutely no seats at all. What’s going on? Why didn’t he save me a seat?

The red-haired girl beside him laughed. He laughed too.

That’s when it hit me: I’d been stood up. Jeremy stood me up.

In a daze, I wandered in the cafeteria with my plate of food. I was so mad at him and myself. All those words, kisses and things he gave weren’t for me. He was just doing it because he couldn’t get that red-haired girl. And now that he did…I was tossed away like I was nobody.

Part of me so wanted to go and confront him. Ask him why he wasn’t sitting with me. I started walking toward him…but would he really do that? No, no he wouldn’t. He would pretend he didn’t know me. Even if I was wrong, the potential humiliation was too much. Instead, I stayed invisible.

Everyone swirled around the cafeteria, completely ignoring me. I might as well be invisible. But especially to my boyfriend, the one I loved.

I wanted Chris so badly right then. He would listen to me. Even if he didn’t feel like I did, he would try to understand me and do his best to comfort me. I didn’t know if I could work up the courage to sit beside him or talk to him, but if I just saw him, I’d feel better.

I searched the room again, this time for Chris. There he was, talking with Amanda.

They sat down and were talking animatedly. Chris smiled at her. Just see me, Chris. If you just saw me, you would drop everything and come to me.

But he stayed at the table with Amanda, smiling at the girls at his table.

I was alone. My boyfriend stood me up and my best friend had found someone new. Didn’t anyone want me? Didn’t anyone care about me anymore?

Jeremy said he loved me, but he didn’t care about me. Chris said he cared about me, but he didn’t love me. No one wanted me.

Finally, I’d had enough. The tray was getting uncomfortable in my hands. I rushed over to the trashcan and threw my lunch in there.

Chris.

“And the actress playing Hermia bumped into the set, and it fell completely over!”

Amanda burst into laughter, and I forced myself to smile. If Lydia was doing the part instead of this actress, she wouldn’t have been falling all over the place.

Then I saw Lydia again, behind Katie and Amanda. She was pacing by the wall near the trash can, clearly holding back tears. She was looking to the left, and every time, she tried harder to keep herself together. I snuck a quick look. Jeremy was sitting with another girl with red hair. That jerk.

The conversation continued between Katie and Amanda but it faded into the background. I had no idea what they said next.

She leaned against the wall and finally the tears came. Lydia, I’m so sorry. Why did he have to treat you this way? I wanted so badly to go to her. But she hated me because I couldn’t bring myself to admit I loved her – so what? She needed someone right now. Anyone to notice she was alive. But she just started going out with Jeremy, without any warning. Lydia had to know that hurt –

“Earth to Chris!” Amanda suddenly said to me.

I turned to them. They both had stopped talking and were looking at me.

“What?” I asked meekly.

“You seriously spaced out there for a second,” Katie said. “Is anything wrong?”

I looked beyond them. Lydia was gone, probably had run away to the bathroom to cry. Well, I couldn’t follow her there.

“No,” I forced myself to smile. “I’m fine.”

Which was true. I was fine…I said my goodbye to Katie and Amanda and walked to class. 

I didn’t need to look at Lydia anymore. She rejected me, and now I had a new friend. But I could feel her eyes on my back when she came in the classroom. But was I really going to do nothing about it?

No. I was going to stay away from her and do nothing, just like I had been.  But I hated to see Lydia so hurt.

I decided to avoid Lydia for the rest of the day. Seeing her hurt just made it harder.

I walked outside at the end of the school day. I heard a car horn. Amanda was driving the oldest, rustiest car I had ever seen. Katie and her boyfriend were in the backseat. “Hey,” she called to me. “Would you like a ride home?”

“Well, if this car can make it out of the parking lot,” Katie joked.

She glared at Katie and then turned back to me.

Well, it was only a mile from the school. It wouldn’t be too much out of their way.

I ran over and climbed in the front seat. “Thanks!”

“No problem. That’s what friends are for.” She smiled. Wow, this new Amanda was awesome.

“Thanks again for driving me home,” I smiled.

She smiled back and looked at me funny as if she had never been complemented before in her life.

Lydia.

I slowly walked off school grounds, shivering in the early January air. Chris was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he got a ride with Amanda, for all I know.

Jeremy disappeared too. How could Jeremy do this to me? How could he just toss me aside like that? How could he just forget me?

“Lydia!”

I turned around. It was Jeremy. I wanted so much to be angry with him, curse him out, and take him down. But as he came toward me, I could barely squeak out a word. I couldn’t say anything. How did things get so messed up?

“Hey.” He leaned in to kiss me. At the last second, I averted my face. I couldn’t do it.

He looked like he had no idea why I was sad.

“What’s going on?”

“You didn’t sit with me today at lunch. You sat with another girl.”

 “Oh, that girl. We’re just friends. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

He reached out to me, but I slowly pulled away from him. “You know my heart’s with you. I love you. You’re so beautiful.”

I tried as I hard as I could to resist his explanation, but I could feel myself starting to believe him.

“Look, when you see me with another girl, that’s just me being friendly. It might look like I like her, but you see, I have a lot of female friends. I just…forgot to tell you that. Sorry. But everything’s cool now, right?”

“No, everything is not cool.  You didn’t save a seat for me at the table.  There were no seats close by.”

“I would have made room.  I was wondering where you were. I can’t be without you.”

I shook my head and started to turn away.

“Hey,” he kept going. “I love you. You come first. Despite anything you might see, you come first. You’re mine.”

So what if he didn’t mean a single word? I didn’t care. I was going to believe his words, his actions, his smiles were all for me. No one was going to stop me.

He put his arms around me, and I didn’t resist.

“I love you,” he said to me. “You’re my beautiful girl. Aren’t you?”

I finally smiled. “Yeah.”

He kissed me, and then kissed me again. “Want to get out of here?”

“I have to call my parents and tell them I’m going with you,” He gave me a look, but I put up my hand.

“I know,” I said to him. “But after yesterday, I have to call or I have to be home right away.”

I got out my phone and called home. “Hi, Mom? I’m with Jeremy this afternoon. I’ll be at his house.”

I clicked it off before my mom could say anything else. “Let’s go.”

Chris.

I walked in the door. Mom came to me from the kitchen. She smiled as she gave me a hug.

“That was quick,” Mom said to me. “You’re early. You must have run from school.”

I didn’t even think about that.

“Well…actually, I got a ride home.”

She looked at me curiously for a second, and then put her hands on her hips. “You got a ride from Amanda, didn’t you?”

What was the big deal? It took less than ten minutes.

“Well, yes, I did, but –”

“Look,” she said sternly. “Look, I know your dad’s happy for you, but this girl is trouble. You and I both know it.”

“Mom, could you please relax?” I couldn’t hide the annoyance in my voice. “Besides, the second I find out she’s using me for revenge, it will be over.”

“Really? And how do you know she’s not using you for revenge now?”

I sighed. Why was this so hard? Why did she have to question me over and over about Amanda? “I don’t trust her completely either, Mom. I know trust takes time. But still, she –”

“I’m not ready for you to go out with her yet, okay?” She turned away and looked down the hall. She sighed loudly to let me know her disapproval.

I could hide the truth and make it worse or I could tell her now about the invite and, at least, she would know up front where I stand. But man did it feel like the worst thing in the world at the moment.

“Um…yeah…about that…”

She turned her eyes directly to mine. I took a step back without even thinking.

“Don’t tell me you already said yes, Chris,” she nearly yelled.

“Mom,” I insisted. “Relax, I hadn’t said yes yet. She –”

“Then the answer is no.”

It took me everything not to say that she was being way too controlling, way too overprotective. Instead, I said as quietly as possible, “Mom, please. You don’t even know what it is.”

She gritted her teeth, shook her head, and finally seemed to give up as she put her hand on her forehead. “Fine, what is it?”‘

“Amanda, Katie and Katie’s boyfriend are going ice-skating Friday night. Then they’re going to Amanda’s house later to watch a movie. That’s it.”

“So…it’s like a double date?” She asked. She looked away as if she was mulling it over.

Okay, I guess she was right about that. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well…I feel better about the situation…I’m still not completely comfortable with it…I have to talk with your father and see if he approves.”

“I think he will.”

She frowned and rolled her eyes. Given my dad was sort of happy already for Amanda and me, he’d probably approve. “I know,” Mom said. “But what do you see in Amanda, anyway? She doesn’t seem anything like her. Amanda’s nothing but trouble, Chris, even if she’s not seeking revenge.”

“How do you know that?” She didn’t know Amanda personally.

“Well, if you must know, Amanda’s best friends’ mom works at the florist with me. She does not like that Amanda is best friends with her. She said that Amanda has gotten in trouble multiple times. She learned from Katie that Amanda is this close from being kicked off the basketball team because of her attitude. She’s rude, immature, and sarcastic. Are you sure this is the person you want to hang out with?”

How could anyone argue with that? I mean, Amanda might as well have just been released from jail or something. But Amanda, like it or not, was different from everyone else. She was.

“Mom, she’s the only one who understands how I feel. Her ex-best friend or boyfriend or whatever is dating her.” See, I could do it too. “She knows better than anybody what’s going on with me. I don’t think you’re giving her a fair chance.”

“Chris –”

I couldn’t take it anymore.  “You don’t know her personally,” I exploded.  “Do you know what’s she’s going through? Do you know how she feels? Because I do!”

We looked at each other for a few seconds, both glaring each other down. I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I angrily turned and went up the stairs.

I flung my backpack down and tried to start my homework. A few seconds later there was a soft knock on the door.

“You’re right,” she said behind me from the doorway. “I don’t know exactly what she’s going through. But I’m scared for you, Chris. I’m afraid she’s going to convince you to do bad things.”

I turned around from my seat. “I told you. If I found out she still wants revenge, then it’s over.

“Well,” Mom started toward me, “she may convince you to do bad things that aren’t related to revenge. Did you think of that?”

Okay, she’s right, I hadn’t. But I’m not stupid. No way did I want to get involved in something like my mom was referring to.

“All right,” I finally said quietly. “I promise to be careful. I’m sorry for earlier.”

“It’s fine. I just…just want you to be safe.”

She put her hand on my shoulder, then turned and walked out of the room. The worst part was my mom might actually be right. I picked up my pencil and tried again to work on my homework, and tried to push what she said out of my mind.