Chris.
It wasn’t Lydia! I nearly shut the door, but Amanda immediately put her arms around me. I struggled to pull her off me but she held on tight.
“Chris, I don’t who else to turn to,” She told me. “You’re the only one who understands how I feel.”
What in the world? Was she referring to the fact Jeremy and Lydia are together now?
“Okay, okay. Come inside and sit down.” I didn’t know what else to do.
She hung onto me and kept crying as we walked inside. I sat down with her on the couch. She seemed to calm down some. She wiped away a tear.
“I’m the only one who understands how you feel?” That may be true, but why was she coming now? I would not have picked nighttime. I tried to figure it out.
She sniffed, “well, you were Lydia’s best friend. And Jeremy was my best in a way – though there were times I wanted to kill him.”
I forced a smile. “I can understand that. What they did to us hurt both of us.”
“Yeah,” She kept going. “They didn’t even consider our feelings. They just decided to ignore us and go away together.”
Maybe I was wrong about Amanda. I always thought she was someone who should be avoided. “I just wish we could get back together and everything could be back to normal.”
She looked at me like I was crazy. “What? You know that’s not going to happen, Chris. Lydia and Jeremy are with each other now.”
Did she have to state it out loud? “I know,” I admitted and looked down. “You’re right.”
“I always thought he and I would somehow get together,” she told me. “What about you and Lydia?”
I didn’t know how much I wanted to reveal. That was a personal question that even my parents didn’t know the answer to. “I…uh…she wanted more than a friendship and I resisted it. Now I feel stupid.”
“I’m here now,” She said. “And I’m not leaving. I can be your Lydia.”
What? That statement made no sense. Amanda was totally different from Lydia. Why would she want to replace Lydia? What was going on?
“You can’t…replace Lydia,” I said, confused. “But thank you. I do appreciate you being here.”
“You’re welcome. I want you to know, I won’t leave you like she left you,” She said.
I was unconvinced. She started leaning in closer.
“Chris, I’m always going to be there…for you…”
My eyebrows raised but I said nothing. She closed her eyes and brought her lips close to mine.
“I’m not going anywhere…I’m…right…here…”
I instinctively pushed away. “What are you doing?” I said with panic in my voice. “We barely know each other. I don’t love you!”
Her expression of concern turned to anger.
“It’s not about love, you idiot,” she spat at me. “It’s about revenge. We want to make them hurt, make them bleed.”
I started to back away, but she grabbed me. “I’m not going to take revenge on her. I don’t want to hurt her,” I said.
“Yes, you do. You hate her for what she did to you—”
“Chris! Who is this?”
She suddenly let go. My mom was standing in the living room with her arms crossed. I was embarrassed and relieved at the same time.
“It’s uh…it’s not what it looks like,” she said and let me go.
“It looks like you’re trying to kiss and he doesn’t want you to. I think it’s time for you to leave.”
She looked like she was about to kill Amanda.
“Yes, I think it’s time for me to leave,” Amanda said.
Amanda rushed out the door and ran to her car. I looked out the open door as she jumped in, started it up and screeched away.
I just sat there, stunned at what happened. Amanda was just here…and she just tried to kiss me?—
“Are you all right?” My mom asked, concerned.
“I…I thought that was Lydia, so I answered the door. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. But I don’t think you should see that girl, though. Who was she, anyway?”
“She’s Jeremy’s ex-girlfriend. Amanda. She’s absolutely crazy. But the good news is that I think you scared her off. I don’t think she’s coming around anymore.”
“That’s good. Chris, if you want to talk about what happened with Lydia, you know I’m here for you.”
I didn’t want to talk with her right now, but having the option did kind of help. “Thanks, Mom. But I think I’m going to go to bed.”
She reluctantly nodded. “Okay. Goodnight. Love you, Chris.”
***
Chris.
I had already finished my daily basketball practice. I’d just got out of the shower when I saw through the hall window Lydia rushing down the sidewalk to school. She was already gone.
I finished getting ready to go and slowly walked out the door. I saw the Jamison’s trashcan sitting on the curb. Yesterday Lydia dropped something in there. I stopped in front of the dumpster. I had to know. I looked around and there was no one out and about. I rushed up to the trash can and opened it. The first thing I saw was the picture of us after the Romeo and Juliet performance, glass cracked on top of it. Underneath that, in a shoebox, there were all our pictures over the years. My heart sank. I was right.
I reached in and pulled out the box. I didn’t know what to do except run inside and put the photos on my bed. She may have given up on me, but I haven’t yet. Best Friends Forever, Lydia. I love you.
***
Chris.
Lydia looked really upset at her locker. I got my book for the first class and walked over to her. Before I could get to her, she turned around and walked down the hall. I can talk to her. Well, she was my best friend. Oh, man.
I followed her into the classroom. We usually sat beside each other in the middle, but this time, she went straight to the back. Just so I couldn’t try to talk with her, right? I sighed and sat in my usual spot. I should just go back there. Why was it so hard?
Throughout the first period, I kept forcing myself not to look back at Lydia. I wrote down most of what the teacher said because I kept forgetting what he told the class. As soon as the first class ends, she had to walk right beside me. So I will say something to her then.
The class bell rang and everybody got up. I got up but stayed by my seat. Everybody shuffled out around me, and I could see out of the corner of my eye Lydia coming toward me. I put my hand in a sort of wave, but that was it. I couldn’t say anything.
She walked past me and looked straight ahead. I tried to make my mouth work again, but I couldn’t do it. This shouldn’t be so hard…Lydia, please speak to me.
During the middle of the second period, “Jeremy Wagner, please report to the security office,” came over the P.A. system. What was that about?
The second period ended and I still hadn’t said anything to Lydia. Maybe I should just give up for today. I walked over and opened my locker. In it was a note: Don’t tell anything!
There was no name, but it had to have been Jeremy. Who else would write something like that? And why? Did it have something to do with him being called to the security office? I thought he got Lydia, and it was all over.
I knew this much: If I didn’t do exactly as he said, he was going to hurt me. I pushed the note to the bottom of my locker and grabbed my book for the third period. In the classroom, the minutes seemed to stretch by forever. I wanted this long day to be over.
Suddenly the P.A. system came on. “School Security needs to see Chris Howard at the office.”
That was what the note was about. I nervously got out my chair, out of the door, and walked down the hall to school security. I’d never been there before. I did remember that Jeremy’s name was called earlier, too. If this was something Jeremy did, what did it have to do with me? Or what if another rumor was spread about me – or me and Lydia? What if I was accused of something, again, where I had no idea of what I did?
I got to the security office and opened the door.
“Sit down, Chris Howard.”
The goateed man leaned forward on the desk with his hands interlocked. “My name is Steve Riley. I’m the head of school security. Well, I’m the only part of school security. Anyway, I got a report from an eyewitness that Jeremy Wagner confronted you in the Men’s room five minutes before class time yesterday morning. He also said you asked him if you had hurt Lydia, which you denied. He makes himself look like a concerned friend. I would like you to tell me if that’s what really happened.”
I hesitated for a second. “Yes, that’s what really happened.”
He sighed. “And is there anything else you can tell me? Anything at all? Was he aggressive to you in any way?”
My stomach again twisted in knots. Here was a golden opportunity to tell someone about who Jeremy really was. But there was no telling what he would do to if the truth came out about him.
“I…um….”
“Look, Mr. Howard, I’m just trying to help. I know Jeremy has been bullying students for years. It’s time he felt the sting of punishment for his crimes. I will punish him to the full extent of the law…well the school laws, anyway. Please tell me if there’s anything else that happened.”
I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so badly. But it was no wonder that he’d never gotten Jeremy. He had the entire school wrapped around his finger. It certainly seemed that way to me.
Mr. Riley leaned toward me.
Come on, just one thing. I could tell him that he said I win without saying anything else. I don’t know. Even that might be too much.
Finally, Mr. Riley lost patience. “Come on, you can trust me.”
“Everything’s cool, okay?” I blurted. “Please don’t look into it.”
He sighed and leaned back in his chair.
“All right, but if you want to tell me, I’m here. And I will help you.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled. Jeremy got away again and it was because of stupid me.
“Well, if you have nothing else to say, you can go back to class, Mr. Howard.”
I nodded and headed out the door. I walked back in a daze.
I so wish I could talk with Lydia about Jeremy right now. She kept my secret about why I quit basketball; she could keep this one too. Why did she have to be with him? Didn’t she know that he was lying to her?
She was upset since this morning. Wait…if she was good with Jeremy, why wouldn’t she be happier?
There was also Amanda. Amanda would listen to me. She was absolutely crazy, and to be honest, I really didn’t want to see her right now because of what she did last night. But still, I knew she hated him.
I was so desperate to talk about Jeremy that I was seriously thinking about talking to Amanda. What was going on with me?
I need Lydia back. I need things to go back to the way they were.
I opened the door and walked back to my seat. Lydia looked up at me for the first time and gave me a confused face. But the teacher was still in the middle of the lecture so I had to sit down right away.
The bell rang for the end of class, and I walked to my locker almost on autopilot and put my books away. I wanted to turn to Lydia’s locker. Why was this so hard? I have known her for over ten years.
I finally looked up at Lydia. She had headed down the hall. I started down the hall and followed her. She walked into the cafeteria.
I sighed and waited by the door for several seconds. Stop stalling and talk to her, Chris. I walked into the cafeteria. She was leaning against the far wall. Jeremy wasn’t with her, and she looked upset. You don’t know how much I want you back, Lydia.
I walked past the tables toward Lydia. She was looking at the line and not at me.
I was about fifty or so feet away. All the sounds seemed to fade away, all the distractions seemed to blur in the distance as she turned to me.
She turned and looked at me, right in my eyes. Suddenly I felt the connection between us. It was a connection that was, on the one hand, familiar and on the other weird and new. There was no one else despite the bustling cafeteria, just Lydia and me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone approach us.
Lydia.
Chris didn’t say anything. All he did was smile at me. The smile was enough. How could I forget all those times rehearsing together, celebrating birthdays together, going to his games? I remember the moment when he was in the woods after Jeremy made him quit. I remember holding my arm out to him after our parents told us we couldn’t see each other. It was always there, but I forced myself to remember again.
I took one step toward him –
Jeremy suddenly appeared in front of me. He smiled.
No, Jeremy. Please go away. I tried to resist, but instead, I smiled back at him.
“I missed you last night,” Jeremy said to me. “I wish you had stayed for dinner.”
“I’m sorry,” I said to him. “I did have a good time until I left.”
“Then why did you leave, when you knew I wanted to spend time with you?” He asked me. “I love you. I just…just don’t understand.”
He slid himself closer so he was right in front of me. He slowly drew his face closer to mine. “I love you,” he told me. “I really do. You are the most beautiful girl in the world to me.”
The most beautiful girl in the world. Why did he have to say that, of all things? Let them be the truth. I’ll make them the truth.
“I want to love you back, I do…” I admitted to Jeremy. “But…”
“I love you so much,” Jeremy said to me.
Jeremy loved me. He loved me. It was not a lie, no way.
“I…I know you do,” I stammered.
“Don’t you love me too? You know I love you. Don’t you love me?” he demanded.
Jeremy wanted me. I wanted him. I knew it wasn’t as simple as that, but I couldn’t let go of him. Whether or not he was telling the truth, I knew this much: I wanted him now. I did. “I do…” I barely whispered to him. “I do…love…you…”
Part of me died in that moment. The part that respected myself, that told myself I deserved better, gave its last breath in that moment and said no more. I gave myself over to him and didn’t fight him anymore.
I closed my eyes as Jeremy leaned in closer. Chris appeared in my mind again but I tried to push him away. I could not spend time thinking about the past anymore. He was still there, but I forced it not to be so overwhelming.
Jeremy bent down and kissed me, firmly pressing his lips on mine. I stopped pushing him away and wrapped my arms around him.
Chris.
I was numb from what I saw. They kissed, right in front of me. She actually kissed him. What was I thinking that she wanted me back? She wanted a lover, not a best friend. She wanted a boyfriend, not me.
She released from her kiss and put her arms around him. They walked to the cafeteria line, arms around each other.
Lydia was gone. She was with Jeremy and not coming back. Last night I still thought there might be a chance. Now I don’t think that. I was done trying to figure Lydia out. I gave it a chance, and she chose Jeremy.
Did Lydia ever really want to see me today? Or was she just waiting for him all along? I was so stupid for trying to find her.
I searched the tables for an empty seat. Everyone seemed to be with friends or boyfriends or girlfriends.
Then I saw Amanda, wandering among the tables. Come on, why should I even talk to her? She nearly kissed me, and that was just for revenge on Jeremy and Lydia. I certainly didn’t want that. The only way I would ever consider being friends with her would be if things were different from last time. I didn’t want to go through her trying to manipulate me again.
But I had nothing to lose. Lydia was already gone. I sighed and made my way toward Amanda.
She turned around to see me when I came over.
“What are you doing here?” She asked suspiciously. After what happened last night, I was not surprised she would be wary of my seeking her out.
I might as well tell her. “You were right about one thing, Amanda. We’re the only ones who understand how the other feels.”
She managed a slight smile. I wasn’t going to let her off this easy.
“But,” I said, “I don’t want revenge. I do need a friend. I want things to be different this time. Can you be my friend?”
“All right, no revenge. We can be friends.” That seemed too easy. What’s she up to?
“You promise you won’t…try to seduce me again?”
She chuckled and smiled. “Of course not. I promise I won’t. It’s nice to meet you, Chris,” she said to me.
“Nice to meet you too, Amanda.”
I smiled back. But I wasn’t completely convinced. Why didn’t she put up a bigger fight about not taking revenge? Maybe she still wanted to use me and not tell me about it, despite her promises. I had to watch her very carefully. But she was here and she knew how I felt. That meant the world to me. So why couldn’t I relax?