Chapter 23: In Fact, I’m So Sick of You!

Chris.

Just seconds before our lips met, images of Lydia flooded my mind. Best friends playing in our back yard, her going to my games, her comforting me after Jeremy made me quit basketball, practicing plays together; it all came back.

I pulled away and stammered, “Uh.” She looked up at me, confused. Her mouth fell open.

Kissing Amanda didn’t feel right. I couldn’t do this to Lydia. This felt all wrong now.

She started searching my face for an explanation.

“I…uh, can’t. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to…hurt…her.”

Her left my lips like an invisible dagger to her heart. My heart sank as the words sunk in.

“Why are you doing this?” Amanda yelled at me. “She rejected you. She’s gone, and she’s not coming back, Chris. It’s over. The only thing to do now is to show them that we’re moving on.”

I saw that she woke up Katie and Greg out of the corner of my eye.

Show them we’re moving on – she still wanted revenge, after she promised she wouldn’t. “You told me you wouldn’t use me for revenge. How could you do that?”

“Well, guess what? This whole time, I was using you for revenge. Everything I did was to get back at them. You meant absolutely nothing. I used you for revenge and nothing more. I didn’t mean what I said about you being a good guy and how I appreciated how you were there for me. I didn’t mean a word of it. It was all a lie.”

The claws were out and digging deep into me. I looked away, reeling from what she had just said. Is this what she did to Jeremy? Was this why he wanted nothing to do with her anymore?

I wanted to run away, far away. But I just sat there on the couch, unable to move. From deep inside me, there was a small part that was just as angry with her as I was hurt. I pushed myself to look at her, seething at me.

“How could you justify using me like that? How could you?”

 “In case you weren’t listening, you meant absolutely nothing to me. I felt nothing for you. I totally didn’t mind using you at all. And you know what? It doesn’t matter how I used you. Because at the end of the day, there is no right or wrong, just revenge. You don’t matter to me at all.”

I looked away, and tried to say something, but it got lodged in my throat. She didn’t care about me at all? Was everything a lie? Lydia never hit me this hard, never said, no matter how hard things got, that she never cared about me.

Lydia. She was using me to hurt Lydia. And it made me sick inside. How could I not see it earlier?

I looked up to see Katie looking at me with sympathetic eyes. She turned to Amanda and put up her hands. “Okay, let’s just calm down.”

 “No, Katie! I’m so sick of you telling me what to do. I’m so sick of you treating me like a child. In fact, I’m so sick of you!”

Katie’s face fell. Greg sat up with indignation, but Katie put up her hand.

I saw a sudden panic rise up in Amanda as she realized what she said. Everyone was looking at her.

“It’s okay,” Katie said quietly to Greg. She stood up.

“Wait, Katie,” Amanda stammered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, really.”

Katie didn’t say anything but turned to me. “Would you like a ride home?”

I nodded, near tears, and stood up too. We started moving toward the door.

 “Fine!” Amanda blurted. “I don’t need any of you anyway.”

They all turned and glared at her. Katie slowly shook her head.  Amanda started to have a panicked look on her face.

 “No, I didn’t mean it,” She begged. “Please don’t go. I’m sorry.”

We tried to ignore her and started to put our jackets on. I felt terrible but didn’t know what to do.  We didn’t turn around and respond.

“Come on, please,” Amanda walked up to us as we were walking out the door. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave me like this. Katie, say something.”

Amanda reached out and touched Katie’s shoulder, but Katie jumped and flicked it off. Greg looked like he was about to explode. “Katie, I’m sorry. You have to believe me.”

“Just don’t touch me, okay?” She turned away without saying anything else.

“Amanda, leave her alone,” Greg said sternly. Amanda finally burst into tears. How did it come to this? Just a few minutes ago we were all friends having a great time.

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” Amanda managed to squeak out. Greg opened the door and I followed him. Katie turned around to look at her one last time. The cold air blowing in chilled me to the bone.

“Katie, I’m not mad at you, I’m not.”

“I know…” Katie finally admitted. “But…” She motioned behind her to me. Amanda gritted her teeth.

“You’re taking his side?” she blurted. “You…”

Amanda closed her eyes and turned away. The door softly clicked behind us.

I slowly climbed into the car seat in the back, while Katie and Greg got in the front. I looked in the seat beside me. Just a few hours ago we were holding hands coming back from ice-skating. Now, that seemed so far away.

Amanda betrayed me and broke her promise. She didn’t mean anything she said to me. It was a slap in the heart, harder than any physical hurt would ever do. Finally, I started trusting someone again, and the whole thing was a lie. She wasn’t even sorry. She sounded proud that she used me, that I was nothing to her.

I tried to be there for her, I really did. But if she was using me, no matter what happened to her, could I really be a part of her life in any way? I was done. How could I look at her again after what she said to me? She completely destroyed our entire relationship, without looking back or apologizing in the slightest. I wish I could take the whole friendship back.

We drove up beside the curb in front of my front lawn. I looked up at Katie and Greg sitting in the front seat. “Thank you,” I said slowly. Greg nodded and smiled, but Katie looked at me funny. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I got out and closed the door. Katie suddenly rolled down the window. “Hold on a minute, Greg.”

Greg looked at her, confused. “Katie, what are you doing?”

“It’ll be just a minute,” she said to him.  She turned to me.  “I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier,” She said to me. “I heard it, but it didn’t register in my mind. Look, I know Amanda hurt you, I know that. She used to do this with Jeremy.  He would say something insensitive and she would lash out that she didn’t care about him…only to go back to him later.  I’m not saying it justified how she treated you.  I just want you to understand why she did it.”  She sighed and shook her head.

“I saw you.  You refused her kiss because you didn’t want to hurt “her”.  I can only assume that you meant Lydia.  Chris, you have to ask yourself, why were you spending time with Amanda if Lydia’s the one you want?”

She rolled up the window and they drove away. I just stood there on the curb as the car turned the corner and faded into the night. Slowly I walked up the sidewalk to my front door. I felt so stupid.

***

Chris.

Both Friday and Saturday nights I stayed up beyond late to watch TV. My parents insisted I get to bed early Sunday night for Monday school. Now I couldn’t avoid my thoughts, as much as I wanted to ignore them.

I thought that Lydia and I were over.  I thought I had closed the chapter on us. But why did I panic when I was about to kiss Amanda? I really hurt her with what I did and of course, she responded hurtfully. Why wouldn’t she?

But did I really want Amanda in that way? Everything happened so fast with her, I didn’t really stop to think what I was doing until it was almost too late. I felt terrible now for leading her on. Katie was right, she deserved someone who wanted her first, and I wasn’t that guy. I admit, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her…but Friday night, I got lost in the moment instead of thinking about what I was doing. Part of it was very nice, but another part I could have reigned in myself.

I admit, with my actions toward her until I refused the kiss, Amanda was right in assuming I didn’t love Lydia and was interested in her. Maybe I did want Amanda romantically at one point, but when I refused to kiss her, I realized I didn’t love Amanda, I loved Lydia.  I saw now what Katie was trying to say to me: that Amanda only responded so harshly because of what I did. Yeah, it still hurt and all that, but I can’t control her. I can only control how I act.

But what about Lydia?  I knew I loved her, so why couldn’t I act on it?

She and I grew up together and knew each other very well. I knew what she liked and what she didn’t like. I knew that she loved doing plays and loved doing them with me. I knew she struggled with her perception of herself. I knew that she was a kind, compassionate person most of the time. She was quick to forgive when we had fights. But most of all, I knew she was in love with me.

At first, I thought all those years as friends meant nothing, or, at least, meant nothing to her. But they did mean something to me. I couldn’t bear to get rid of all the pictures of us in the room. They were still there, our smiling faces staring back at me.

When I first realized I was in love with Lydia, I immediately put it aside because I thought getting together with her would hurt her and me.  I was protecting her from the hurt that she would most likely face. 

But what hurt would that be?  It’s been two years.  Sure the rumor was bad, but nobody even mentioned it after we came back to school.  Maybe some of our former friends would look down on us, but they didn’t even talk with us anymore.  So what did it matter to us if they found out?

But wait…if that was true…then the whole reason I had before for not having a relationship with Lydia made no sense.  It was all a lie!  A lie I told myself. 

I jumped out of bed and started pacing around the floor.  How did I not see it before?  How could I have been so blind?

I knew I loved Lydia, I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt.  This whole “protecting Lydia” thing is completely bogus.  What was the real reason then?  Think, Chris!

I was afraid. 

I was afraid that my classmates would look down on us.  I was afraid of Jeremy and what he would do to me if I spoke up and told him that I loved Lydia.  And finally, I was afraid of losing Lydia if we actually got together as a couple. 

That was why I froze up when she touched me.  That was the reason I got uncomfortable when she put a hand on me.  Because I was afraid of what would happen. 

And I justified it all by telling myself that I was protecting Lydia.  I told myself I was keeping her safe from harm.  How is not loving someone protecting them?  That made no sense!

Jeremy’s words came back to me: By not giving her your love, you hurt her. You hurt her bad.

I slowly sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. 

Do I love Lydia? I do.  I care about her and only want the best for her.  I want her to feel safe.  I love her with all my heart.  I love her with everything I have.  She is the only one for me.

But based on how I acted, did I really love Lydia?

No, I didn’t.

I failed to show my love to her. I was doing everything I could to keep Jeremy from hurting me, and now Lydia is hurting being in his arms.

If I truly loved her, I would do anything to keep her from being hurt. I would tell her I loved her when I had the choice, and in doing so, I would stand up to Jeremy and told him to leave her alone.

But I didn’t do that, and I failed because Jeremy intimated me. I was so sure that Lydia would never date him. I took her for granted and paid the price.

But that was wrong. If I don’t actually show her I love her, then she’ll go to someone who’ll assure her he does. That was the reason she fell into Jeremy’s arms, that was the reason she was with him now! 

I can’t just say I love her! I have to actually love her.

How could I not have seen it before? I knew about Lydia’s feelings for me, I’ve suspected all along. But I chose to ignore them and then play the “I’m not in love with you” card, and I hurt Lydia badly, not because I wanted to protect her, but because I was afraid.  I was such a jerk! She wanted me, me over everyone else in the world, and I stomped on that like it was nothing.

But Lydia’s someone I care about very much! When Lydia was upset during the Romeo and Juliet rehearsals, it wouldn’t matter to me that I was holding her tight.  Knowing I loved her and cared about her, and that I failed to show it up until now, all that anxiety about touching her finally disappeared.  It turned into a resolve that I will love Lydia, truly love her from now on. 

I would do anything for her…or I should do anything for her…but lately, I have been doing nothing. Absolutely nothing! Stupid, stupid Chris! How could you do that to the person you care about the most?  The person you love the most?

The clock showed 5:07 AM. I hadn’t slept all night. I sighed and got out of bed. I put on warm clothes and walked outside. I walked up to the basketball hoop that was in the yard and grabbed my ball. Wait. Why was I practicing? Why was I here, doing my routine more than three years after I quit the team? Was it to prove to Jeremy that I was better than him?

I didn’t need to prove anything to him. There was no reason to be here, chasing after something that didn’t even exist anymore.

I was still terrified of Jeremy. But no way did I want to keep practicing basketball if the only reason I did it was because of Jeremy and how he intimated me. I sat down and looked at the basketball hoop.

I had to speak with her today. I had to make sure she was okay, that he was treating her well. All the evidence so far led me to think that was not the case. Even though we were miles apart now, I had to do it.

I went back inside and picked up the box of photos that I had saved from the trash.  She, at least, needs to know that I saved them.  I picked up a piece of paper and wrote a note and put it on top.  I carried it out and pushed the box to right beside the front door on the porch.  I turned and walked back to my house.

I knew giving her the photos and the note weren't enough, but it was the first step.  I wasn't doing anything anymore.  I felt it to my core that I loved Lydia, just as much as in that moment in the car two years ago when I thought I would never see her again.  I was not going to delay myself any longer! 

I am in charge of myself, and I love Lydia, and I plan to show her that I do!

“Good morning.”

I jumped and turned around to see my mom standing in front of me. She put up her hands. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you. Get any sleep?”

‘“No,” I shook my head and admitted.

“The way you acted when you came home Friday night, I assume you and Amanda did not get along,” she said.

I nodded. “It didn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry about that, Chris. I was hard on you about her, and I feel bad that you two aren’t friends anymore. I didn’t give her a chance. I’m sorry.” She looked down at the pavement.

“Well, Mom, I was wrong to start a friendship with her,” I admitted. “Part of it was because of her, but the other part was because of me. She can be very mean and vindictive, but not without reason. And I gave her that reason.”

She looked confused. “What are you talking about, Chris.”

I sighed. I guess it was time to tell her. “I still love Lydia Jamison. In fact, I always have. I just couldn’t admit that to myself until now.”

She looked at me for a long time. Finally, she smiled. “Go get her, Chris. Go get her and don’t look back.”