Chapter 24: You Made HIm Up

Lydia.

Early that Monday morning, I was told to get up 30 minutes early. It was quiet when I sat down. Mark was still asleep. I knew what was going to happen, and I hated what they were about to say.

“Lydia,” My mom began, “When we said we trusted you, what we implied was that we trusted you to make wise decisions. But when we trust you to make your own decisions, you make mistakes. And when that happens, we, as your parents need to advise you as to what we think you should do.”

“As long as you live in this house, you need to follow our directions,” my dad said to me. “We know what’s best for you and we don’t want you to get hurt or hurt others.” I nodded. “On the one hand, we want you to make your own decisions and not force you to do the right thing. On the other hand, if you refuse or can’t bring yourself to do the right thing, we have to step in.”

“This is a tricky one because it involves your relationship with Jeremy. I realize that we can’t force you to break up with him because you’d probably just run back to him if we forbid you to see him. But at the same time, we must do all we can to keep you safe. From now on until further notice, you are required come directly home following school. If you are not home at the approximate amount of time it takes you to get home, there will be severe consequences. We’re giving you this one chance to fix this, Lydia. We’re hoping you’ll do the right thing and break up with him.”

My mom spoke up. “We thought long and hard about telling you to break up with him, but ultimately that’s your decision. But at the same time, we know the emotional damage he’s done to you and we think you need to let him go. We know this is not easy for you, at all, but it’s what we think you should do.”

“Lydia, he’s hurting you,” my dad said. “Look, if you continue to follow this relationship, life could be very hard for you. We don’t want you to go through that.”

Saying it one more time was not helping things. “I know that!” I angrily said back to him. “I mean…”

“We want to help you,” my dad said. “If you can’t bring yourself to break up with him, we can do it for you. And then –”

“No!” I pulled their arms off me and stood up. I tried to calm down, but I couldn’t. Why was I doing this? I knew they were right. I wouldn’t have to face him and it would over. But no, I could fix this. I could demand that he has eyes only for me. I could tell him he’d better put me first or I would leave him.

But…he never only had eyes for me and I never left him. I knew all along and I never told him I’d had enough.  I needed to end this.

“I…can do this myself,” I finally stammered.

“Are you sure?” my mom asked.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I said more edge than I meant. But it was too late.

“Well, that’s your decision, Lydia,” my dad said. He gave me an annoyed look, then got up and left.

“Lydia, it seems like every time we talk now, you want to fight us. And it makes me sad,” My mom said to me.

I used to have a really good relationship with my parents. Even when we had disagreements, I didn’t respond as if my parents didn’t know better or wanted to shove their decisions down my throat. Now it seemed like I’m second-guessing everything.

She tried to touch me, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. I stood up and stared at my parents for a long time.

I knew Jeremy was bad for me. But he was all I could think about. All I wanted to do anymore was be with him. I didn’t care about myself. I only cared about him. I had taken all he said about me to heart. I claimed them as mine. It was very likely that not a word he ever said was true. And I knew it, but instead of saying goodbye, I wanted it all to myself. But isn’t that what every girl wants, for your guy to say and do romantic things for you and you only?

Chris again entered my thoughts. He wasn’t romantic like Jeremy, but I knew he cared about me.  I did know that.  Chris sometimes seemed to know exactly what to do or say to make me feel better.  Like when he came to me during rehearsals of Romeo and Juliet.  Sometimes, he just gets me.  Why did he have to be so far away from my life right now? 

Why couldn’t Jeremy just leave those girls alone? Why did he have to go after them and stare at them when he said he wanted me? Was that too much to ask? Why couldn’t he want just me?

I hated Jeremy. There I said it. I may want him more than anything, but I need to let him go. And it was going to kill me.

I could fix this. I don’t want to say goodbye to him. But I would try, anyway. I was not going to ask for their help.

Try as I might, I could hear in my mind my dad responding, how are you going to do that? As long as you give him everything without objecting to his actions, nothing will change. You know that.

But I’m not! I’m going to break up with him, I promise! I wanted to yell. But even I didn’t feel like my imaginary words meant anything.

He didn’t actually say it, but I glared at him because I knew he would. He looked at me strangely, as if he didn’t even know his own little girl. How did I become a stranger in my own home?

I slowly grabbed my backpack, and walked out of the kitchen, just as Mark came down for breakfast.  I put it on my shoulders and looked at them, then at Mark. My parents looked back, not saying anything. I guess there was nothing to say. I guess they knew that I had made my choice, in which I choose not to trust them.

I turned and went out the door, looking straight ahead.  I walked down the road.

***

Lydia.

Jeremy was waiting for me when I walked inside the school. He walked up from the pillar he had been leaning on. He smiled at me and I just melted.

“Hi,” he said to me.

“…hi…” I nervously said to him.

I looked at him with glassy eyes. I almost couldn’t bear to look at him. “Your parents hate me, don’t they?” He said.

I managed a slight smile, looked down, then looked back up at him. “Yeah…”

He stood closer to me. He put his hands on my arms. My lower lip quivered. “But you know that I love you,” he said to me. “They just don’t understand that.”

I bit my lip.  Jeremy does not care about me.  He only cares about himself.  You can do this, Lydia.  “I…I can’t. I can’t keep doing this,” I said.

I was about to break. I tried to turn around.

“Lydia, I do love you. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. How could I not love you?”

Tears appeared in my eyes. The words felt so sweet to my ears, but I could not bring myself to believe it. 

“Is that what you say to all the girls you like?” I closed my eyes and cringed. I might as well go for it. I’d already brought it up. “That girl you said was just a friend, Becca.  You left me earlier to go to the concert with her.  Becca said your name when she fought against that other girl.  And she kissed you at your house.  It just all adds up.”

He sighed and looked away for a second. Then he turned back to me. “Listen to me. I thought she was just a friend too. But I found out that the concert I was going to she thought was a date. Then I was mad because all this time, I thought she just wanted to be friends. It’s the truth. But I’m not going to see her now, I promise. I told her it was over and I was with you. And you know about the kiss.  I already told you.”

“You should have told her right when she kissed you that you were with me,” I barely whispered to him.

I tried to pull away, but he kept his hands on my arms. “All right, Lydia, I should have. But I stopped it. It’s over. She’s gone and she’s not coming back. I promise.  So we’re cool?”

Even if every single thing he said was true, did that mean I could still trust him? Did that mean that he wanted me most of all? Jeremy has lied before, he could be lying now.

But I don’t know that for sure. I don’t know if he’s lying or telling the truth. But if that’s the case, then you can’t really trust him, my dad said to me in my head. Stupid Dad, he was right.

So I played the only card I had left.  Jeremy knew it, anyway.  “I’m in love with Chris,” I blurted. “You know it’s true.  We…we can’t be together anymore.”  He looked at me for several seconds, and I thought he was just going to walk away and that would be the end. 

But then he leaned in closer and said in a low voice.  “You never loved Chris.”

I gulped.  “That makes no sense.  Why would you say that?”  I asked warily.

“The version of Chris that you wanted never existed.  You know, the one that would love you, tell you that you’re beautiful, want to dance with you, and want to kiss you…you made him up.  You never loved Chris; you just loved a fantasy version of him.   You never loved him, Lydia.”

I shook my head. “No, Jeremy, I don’t believe it.”  But inside, my mind reeled.  Could he have told the truth?

“Lydia,” He started with anguish in his voice. “I meant every word I ever said to you. All the flowers I gave you. The poster that said, ‘You are beautiful, and I love you’? I meant every word then, I mean it now too. Chris never did any of that stuff, Lydia.  Why are holding onto a fantasy you know doesn’t exist?”

I started to back away from him.  “I don’t know, but…”

“You are everything to me. You are the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you so much. I mean it, and I always meant it.”

I always thought I had loved Chris.  But looking back at all of it, I had to ask myself, was Jeremy right?  Was it all made up in my mind?  Was every single thing I did for him based out of a fantasy I had of us getting together, not because I truly loved him? 

The bell rang, and Jeremy started backing away. “I really want to see you at lunch.  Please let me see you at lunch.” 

I just stood and stared him.  He turned and walked to class.  I somehow found my feet and rushed across the hall. I took my seat in the back of classroom just as class was about to start.  Immediately

I searched through my brain from my earliest memories of Chris up till now.  I had always had fantasies of getting together with Chris or marrying him when I was little.  I never told him how I felt, but I assumed it would happen one day.  Then as I got older, and we became “Best Friends Forever,” I kept imaging the way he would tell me he loved me…but he never did.  In my mind, he was this super romantic boy who was completely and totally in love with me.  At Romeo and Juliet camp, it was the worst.  Here was the most romantic guy ever, Romeo, and Chris treated it as nothing more than a role! 

I wanted it all to be real. But what did I want to be real?  For my fantasy version of Chris, that never existed, to finally become reality.  Did I ever truly love Chris, the best friend Chris?  I don’t know anymore. 

I started breathing heavily.  I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking at my desk.  I thought you could lie to others, but I lied to myself. I told myself that I loved Chris, and I believed it.  I don’t know now if I ever truly loved him.  Was it so easy for me to confuse fantasy with reality?  Was it so easy to believe that I could love someone without actually loving him?  Did I even know what love was?

Maybe I should go back to Jeremy.  Maybe I should let him love me. 

Jeremy came to me just as my friendship with Chris was falling apart.  He gave me everything I ever wanted, told me he loved me, that I was beautiful.  Here was someone who promised to fulfill me emotionally when Chris was not.  I wanted it because he was saying what I wanted Chris to say.  I remember when I made the choice to go with Jeremy. I didn’t care whether he told the truth or not, I just chose to claim Jeremy’s words as my own.  I didn’t even believe him.  Looking back now, that didn’t seem smart.

Did I ever love Jeremy?  I wanted him, sure.  But did I love him?

I don’t even know what love is anymore.  I thought I did.  But it was all muddled with what I wanted and what I fantasized about the guys around me. 

If that was the case, then I didn’t love Jeremy!  I wanted Jeremy to be Chris and a fantasy version of Chris at that.  I didn’t want the real Jeremy, much less love him, who I knew from the beginning was a jerk who flirted with other girls.  I knew all this and ignored it. 

I did not love Jeremy.  I knew that much.  When I admitted to myself that I didn’t really love him, I was finally freed from Jeremy’s hold over me.  But I still had to tell him it was over.

The bell rang for lunchtime.  I gathered my books and walked toward the cafeteria.  Jeremy said he would find me then.  I didn’t need to try to find him.  He would find me. 

I walked in the cafeteria.  There were people in line getting food with their friends and boyfriends and girlfriends.  I didn’t really feel that hungry.  I slowly walked to an empty table and sat at the end.  I only needed to wait until he came in.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.  I wished I didn’t have this next conversation.  But it had to be made. 

“There you are.” I jumped and opened my eyes.  Jeremy was standing over me.  He sat down in front of me.

“I thought a lot about us this weekend and a lot this morning after our conversation.  I thought a lot about how I was treating you.  I know I’m losing you.  I know you want to leave me.  And I was trying to think of why.”

You know why, Jeremy.

He sighed and closed his eyes.  Then he looked at me again.  “What I’m trying to say is that I’m really sorry.  I knew from the very beginning what Becca was doing and I let it happen because I liked the attention.  I liked being wanted by her.  I thought I could hang out with her and still be your boyfriend.”

He slammed his fist down on the table.  I jumped.

“But that was wrong.  I should never have spent time with her.  I should have told her I was dating someone and we couldn’t hang out anymore.  I should have done that first thing.  I messed up.  I hurt you.  I did.”

He looked at the ground, then back up to me.  There were tears in his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Lydia.  You deserve so much better.  I let you down.  But no more!  From now on, I promise to give you everything.  I promise to spend all my time with you and you alone.  I love you so much, Lydia.  Please believe me when I say I love you.  Please.”

He got out of his chair and kneeled in front me.  “I love you, Lydia.  I’m sorry, for everything.  I promise everything from now on will be for you.  I promise.  Please believe me.”

He put out his hand toward me and instinctively, I put it out toward him.  In that split second, I remembered at the Homecoming Dance when he did it before.  He wasn’t even close to me then, and he was trying to pull me toward him.  He had no right to do so then.  He had no right to do so now. 

As his hand came closer, I pulled mine away at the last second.  I slowly shook my head. 

“I…I don’t love you, Jeremy.  I don’t know about my feelings for Chris, but I do know this: I don’t love you.”

He shook his head.  “I’m doing it right, Lydia.  I’m apologizing to you.  I’m giving everything to you.  Why can’t you believe me?”

“It has nothing to do with whether I believe you or not,” I slowly said to him.  “It doesn’t matter what you said or did.  I don’t love you.”

He glared at me as he stood up and paced in front of me.  “This was supposed to work!  You were supposed to say you forgave me and you loved me.  I did all the right things.  Can’t you see that?”

I went through what he said in my mind.  He turned to me and looked straight at me for an answer. 

“I can see that you can’t give me up, no matter how much I tell you I don’t love you.  It’s over.  I can’t be with you anymore.”

“I really am sorry,” He blurted.  “I really meant all I said.  All of it.”

I shook my head.  “It’s time for you to leave,” I said calmly to him.  “Goodbye, Jeremy.” 

“No, no, no.  I’m not leaving you.  I’m staying right here until you change your mind,” He stood in front of me, not daring to move. 

That was it.  Any last feeling for him was finally gone.  I stood up.  “Shame on you, Jeremy.  If you had any respect for me, if you really cared about me, you would have accepted my answer.  But you couldn’t even do that!  You are the same manipulative jerk I knew before this whole relationship started.  You haven’t learned a thing.”

His face started to fall.  He looked around the cafeteria nervously.  “I’m sorry, I just…I just don’t want you to leave me.  I need you.  I need you now more than anything.”

Now he just sounded desperate.  “No, you don’t.  You don’t need me at all.  What you need is to get over me.  I’m not going to be in your life anymore.”

He tried to grab my arms, but I backed away. 

“Is there anything I can do?  Anything at all?”

“If you truly cared about me and my feelings, you would say goodbye to me.  Do I have to say it again?  I don’t love you, Jeremy.”

He bit his lip and looked away.  Then he looked straight into my eyes.  “All right, I get it.  I get it.  I’ll leave you alone.  And I am sorry, for everything.”  He looked away and shook his head.  “Goodbye, Lydia,” He said quickly, and then walked away.

I wish I could say that after he left, I didn’t give him a second thought.  But as he walked to his teammates, and forced a smile at them, everything in me wanted him back.  I wanted him to tell me he loved me, tell me I was beautiful like he used to.  I wanted him to put his arms around me and kiss me.  I wanted him to make me feel like I was the only girl in the world.  I knew it was all lies, but I wanted it all the same.

Why couldn’t there be an off switch for feelings after a breakup?  Why couldn’t I just turn off how I feel after I said goodbye?  I knew he was a jerk, I knew I would never be with him again.  But the feelings didn’t just leave.  They stayed there and reminded me of what I had lost, what I had given up.  I missed Jeremy and I missed the closeness that it felt like he gave me.  I missed feeling like I was important to someone.  Even if those feelings were false.

I put my head on the table and closed my eyes, trying and failing to push aside memories of Jeremy’s affections for me.  It was no use.  I was stuck with them, forever.

Chris.

I stayed a good five minutes outside the cafeteria before I went in.  I was so mad at myself.  Here I was, ready to talk to Lydia, and all I could do was stare at her.  I just ignored all the chances I had to talk with her this morning.  Why was this so hard?  What was stopping me from talking to her?

There was an announcement over the PA system: “As you may know, snow flurries have been forecasted for this afternoon.  We need to remind you that classes are not, I repeat not, canceled.”  There was a loud groan from most of the students in the room. 

Amanda, Katie, and Greg were sitting together at the corner of a table.  Amanda must have made up with her best friend over the weekend.  I got the sudden sinking feeling that I needed to apologize to Amanda before I talked with Lydia.  I slowed down my walk and just stood there.  I did not want to see her again.  She hated me.  She said I was nothing to her.  Why should I be the one apologizing first?  If anything, she should be apologizing to me.

I paced the floor several feet away, not knowing what to do.  Then I saw her: Lydia was sitting by herself at the end of a row, her head on the table. 

All I have to do is walk past Amanda and her friends.  I need to tell Lydia how I feel. 

I walked slowly past Amanda’s table, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I stopped in front of them, quietly eating their food, not really speaking.  Finally, Katie looked up.

“Chris, what are you doing here?”

I could have apologized and walked away.  But I turned to them and finally said, “I…I…I…need to…uh…speak with…with…Amanda.”

Katie and Greg turned to Amanda, who was bringing a fork full of food to her mouth.  She put it down and glared at Katie, who gave her that look that said Amanda needed to listen to me. 

“Fine,” Amanda said.  She got up and looked straight into my eyes.  “What is it?”

Everything in me wanted to crawl into a hole and never speak to anyone again.  But I felt I had to get past this, and then I could finally talk to Lydia again.  “I’m…I’m sorry Amanda.  I hadn’t gotten over Lydia and I hurt you in the process.  I’m really, really sorry.  You deserve someone who likes you first, and I wasn’t doing that.  I think, in the back of my mind, I always thought that if Lydia came back, I would say goodbye to you.  I feel so terrible admitting that because you deserve better from me.”

I closed my eyes and looked away.  This was harder than I thought.  I forced myself to look at her again.

“I just feel so badly for the way I treated you.  You are a great girl, Amanda.  You really are. You deserve someone who likes you, who loves you for you.  I know I’m not that person, and I feel terrible for leading you on.  I…I…”

I lost my train of thought.  That was as far as I got.

“I don’t know what else to say,” I said to her.  I started to turn away.

Amanda turned to Katie, who glared at her and nodded to toward me.  Amanda shook her head.  Okay, that’s my cue to leave.  I started walking away.

“Chris, wait,” Amanda sighed.  I stopped and turned to her.  She got up and stood in front of me.  “I owe you an apology too.  I didn’t mean what I said about you being nothing to me.  I’m sorry.  I was hurt by what you did, but…you didn’t deserve to hear that.  I was wrong and mad at you.  I…I…think you’re a great guy, too, Chris.  And if Lydia’s the one you like, you have to tell her how you feel.”

I nodded.  Amanda looked at the ground, then back up to me.

“I know we’re not meant to be together, Chris, but, just imagining myself with someone who was kind to me, who actually respected me, rather than Jeremy, was a big change for me.  Katie and I had a long talk, and even though I sometimes still hate her for being like a mom to me, she’s right in this case.  I need to set higher standards for myself.  I need to have a guy who respects and cares about me, not just one who wants my attention.  And…I have you to partly thank for that.”

She bit her lip and looked away again.  “What I’m trying to say is…even though we probably won’t speak again, I…I wish you all the best, Chris.  I do.  You’ve been kind to me, and I needed that.  Thank you for being there for me for that short time.”

“Thank you, Amanda, for being there for me too,” I said to her.  “You made me smile again, and that really meant a lot.”

She smiled, and then suddenly put her arms around me in a hug.  She just as quickly released from it and walked back to her seat.  Katie and Greg waved at me.  I waved back and I turned around to leave. 

I looked at Lydia, sitting by herself with her head on the table.  I didn’t want to scare her by sneaking up on her, but she had turned her head toward the middle of the table and away from the aisle.  What if she didn’t accept me?  What if she yelled at me from across the table?  I gulped and kept walking toward her, her back to me. 

Just put one step in front of the other. I loved Lydia. I cared about her and hurt with the fact she was getting hurt. I was not going to just sit there and let it happen again. I was going to talk with her and show her I care about her.

She was about twenty feet away but it felt miles. Keep going. Don’t chicken out now, if you care about her, Chris, if you love her.

As I kept getting closer, I could hear she was crying, her muffled sobs coming from the table. He did it again. Jeremy hurt her again. My heart broke for her. She’d been in pain all this time and I did nothing.

Finally, I stopped, right beside her now at the table. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I couldn’t say anything. Come on, say it.

Why did you just stand there, Chris?  Don’t give up now, not while you’re so close. You were best friends with her for most of your life, and you can’t get one word in now?

I rang my hands together, looking at the ground. Come, stop stalling and say something. Do you love her or not?

I love her. I do. I care about her more than anything else in the world.

I tried to open my mouth but nothing came out.  I reached down with my hand but pulled it back at the last second.  I moved so I was in front of her from across the table.

“Lydia,” I whispered.  She didn’t move.  I cringed and tried again.