cHapter 25: NOne of That Matters Because I Love You
Chris.
“Lydia,” I said more loudly.
She jumped and I immediately put up my hands. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just…I need to talk with you. Can I sit down?”
Lydia slowly nodded. “Okay,” she said softly.
I sat down and took a deep breath. Here goes…
“I feel like I failed you. I failed to show my love to you. I should have told you my feelings the same night you told me how you felt about me. But I was afraid of what would happen, and I didn’t tell you I loved you. I’m so sorry for taking this long to tell you. But I realized that I needed to tell you right now, today, no matter what. Lydia, I saw in your eyes that you had doubts about yourself. I knew you asked yourself, “Am I good enough? Am I beautiful enough?”
She nodded her head. “But Lydia, you’ve always been good enough and beautiful enough to me and you always will be. But, even more than that, it doesn’t matter if there was someone more beautiful, smarter, nor has a better personality. No way would it matter. None of that matters because I love you, Lydia. You and no one else. You are the most important person in the world to me and I would do anything for you. Everything that you told me you wanted, I want now, because I love you! I love you so much, Lydia!”
Tears appeared in her eyes and she shook her head. She put her head in her hands.
“Chris, I…” She started. Then looked at me and tried again. “Chris…I don’t know if I ever loved you. I don’t even know what love is to me. It’s all muddled up in my head. I, um, appreciate what you said. I do. But I can’t be with you because I don’t know if I loved you.”
My jaw dropped. What? That made no sense to me. A panic rose up within me. How could she think that about herself?
“Lydia, you told me that ever since you were a little girl, you were in love with me. I don’t understand…”
Lydia bit her lip and looked away. She kept looking away when she said, “Jeremy told me that I was in love with a fantasy version of you. I wasn’t in love with you, the real you. And I thought about it, and he was right! I was imagining in my head you sweeping me off my feet and being this super romantic guy, not Chris Howard my best friend. My whole life was like that. I never loved you, Chris. Ever.”
“That’s not true,” I said to her. “It can’t be. Think about it. It makes no sense.” What happened to her?
“I have thought about it. I’ve thought about it all morning. My whole life is a lie. And I hate it because you finally said you loved me. But I can’t do it.”
She put her head in her hands and started to sob. She had given up on herself. Jeremy had seriously messed with her head. I felt terrible for the way she had been manipulated. I wanted to do anything to take away the thoughts in her head.
All those memories of us together flooded over me. Lydia was always there for me. How could she not see it?
I reached out and softly touched her shoulder. She jumped and looked up at me. I didn’t let go like I had before. “Lydia, I love you. I…I love you with everything I have. And…and I know you love me. I do.” She started shaking her head. “No, just hear me out. What about all those basketball games you went to when I played, all those plays we did together? That was love, Lydia. When Jeremy made me quit basketball, and you were there for me, that was love, Lydia. What about those times we did homework together? All those days we sat together, all those times we talked with each other? That was love, Lydia. All those things you did because you loved me, Lydia. Me, the real Chris. You loved the real Chris Howard. Because he’s right here, I’m right here, telling you that you did love me. You always have.”
She looked at me again for the longest time. I wish I could just go into her head and make it change. I could still see in her eyes that she was lost.
“No,” she finally said. “I want to believe you, but I can’t do it. Chris, I don’t want you to be with me because I can’t love you. I can’t love anyone.”
I tried again. “Lydia, you do love me –”
“Chris, please go. Please.”
I let go of her shoulder and turned away. How could I do it? How could I respect her wishes and go away, and yet still love her? She’s so broken up inside. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t change her mind. She had to do it herself.
“All right, but I need to say one more thing before I go. I will always be here, ready to accept you. I...I know I can’t make you change your mind about yourself. You have to do that. But I know you can, Lydia. Just…think about all of our life together. Think about us, together. Even if you don’t know if you can love me…I can love you, Lydia. You can let me love you. I just want you back in my life, Lydia. It doesn't matter, your feelings about me. I just want you back.”
She shook her head. “It would be a lie. I’m sorry. Goodbye, Chris.”
I bit my lip and nodded. I couldn’t say any more. I turned away and walked away from the table.
***
Chris.
There were only three minutes left in class, and all I could do was think about Lydia’s warped mind. How could she think that she only loved a fantasy version of me? How could she think that she couldn’t love at all? How could she…Jeremy.
Jeremy told her that her love for me was a fantasy. And I saw Jeremy hanging out with that red-haired girl. How could he just manipulate her like that? And I just stood by and did nothing?
For all I know, Lydia could still be with Jeremy. I couldn’t convince Lydia, but I have to convince Jeremy. Jeremy has to leave her alone. I have to confront him.
Chills went up and down my spine. What was I thinking? This is Jeremy, who forced me to quit basketball. Jeremy tormented me and my thoughts my whole life.
But I loved Lydia. And she needed that negative influence out of her life for good.
But this was Jeremy! Not just some random guy, but Jeremy. Why did it have to be Jeremy?
Lydia needed him to leave her alone, and never talk to her again. As soon as the bell rang, I have to go after him. If I don’t do it, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
The bell rang.
For one second, I just sat there, while everyone else picked up their books and backpacks. Then I closed my eyes and saw Lydia’s pained expression at lunch. I jumped up and made my way out of the classroom, weaving around my classmates. Then I got to the hallway and launched into a run.
I started running toward the gym. I blinked my eyes. I was still dead tired from staying up all night, but I can’t stop now.
I came to the gym doors. Don’t stop now. I threw them open.
“Jeremy!” I ran toward him. “Jeremy, I need to talk with you.”
“Coach,” Jeremy turned to him, who had a whistle in his hands. “We’re in the middle of practice.”
But Coach just smiled, looked at me and simply said, “I was never here.”
Jeremy threw up his hands at the coach, but the coach started walking away and pushed open the gym doors. His teammates looked so surprised. Jeremy turned back to me.
“I can’t believe you,” I shouted as I marched up to him. His teammates looked shocked but did nothing. “You told Lydia you loved her, but you kept flirting and looking at other girls. And it’s killing her!”
He looked over to his teammates, with a look of desperation.
“Come on, guys, tell him to leave.”
They said nothing, but Greg shook his head.
I walked up to him and looked him straight in the eyes. But then you say something romantic that gets her back in your arms, even though she’s hurting even more.”
Jeremy gritted his teeth. “Just leave me alone.”
“No, I’m not going to leave you alone. You…You know what else you did? You told her that her love for me was a fantasy. Now she doesn’t even know what love is or if she could ever love anyone again. You seriously warped her mind, and you shouldn’t be near her, ever. I’m not leaving until you promise never to go near her again. You have to promise me.”
For a second he looked like he was going to punch me. Then he sighed and turned away. He said, “She broke up with me.”
I gulped. “What?”
“I did all the right things. I said I was sorry, I admitted I was wrong. And she still broke up with me. I…just…I realized I had really messed up, and I tried to fix it...and she’s still gone.”
The anger in me rose again. He didn’t get it. He was still thinking of himself.
“That’s because what you did to her was unacceptable. Flirting with other girls, manipulating her? That’s not a real relationship, Jeremy. It’s…you controlling her and nothing more. What about Lydia? What about her feelings? Did you ever care about that?”
He turned to me with hurt in his eyes. He gritted his teeth. “I know that now, all right? I hurt her, I get it.”
He sat down and put his head in his hands.
“That’s not the only thing you did. You knew she loved me. You didn’t respect that at all. You only cared about yourself, and fulfilling your desires. That’s all you’ve ever done.” I sighed
I closed my eyes. He was going to hate me for this. But I have to keep Lydia safe. I couldn’t bear to think that Jeremy might try to get Lydia back in his arms after what he did. I know she already broke up with him. But I had to make sure. “Jeremy, I know she broke up with you. But that’s not enough for me. I don’t want you anywhere near her. You have to promise me to never go near her again.”
At first, he raised his head and glared at me. But I held his gaze and wouldn’t turn away. He slowly nodded. “All right, I promise to leave her alone.”
“For good?” I demanded.
He sighed and glared at me. “Do I have to say it? Yes, I promise to leave her alone for good.”
I just stood there, not knowing what else to say. “Goodbye, Jeremy.”
I started walking toward the gym doors.
“Chris, wait.” He stood up and looked at me. “How do I make it right with you?”
Here Jeremy was, giving as much as an apology as I’ll ever get. I heard the sincerity in his voice. But he made me quit the team. He confronted me about Lydia. But worse than that, he hurt Lydia. He manipulated her and flirted with other girls while he was in a relationship with her. Those things…I couldn’t just sweep them under the rug.
I slowly shook my head. “I don’t know.”
He sighed, and slowly nodded his head. “I get it. It’s…it’s fine.”
He turned around to his teammates, who could tell he was different. They started walking up to him and talking to him quietly. I will never be close to Jeremy, and maybe never even forgive him, but, at least, we have come to an understanding. I feel like if I ran into him again, I could handle it. But based on what he did to Lydia, I still don’t want to talk with him ever again.
I pushed out the gym doors and walked down the hallway. Lydia’s messed up mind still hit me hard. I wanted more than anything to keep talking with her, convince her that she still loved me. But she wanted me to leave, and I had to respect that. It was up to her now.
Lydia.
The gray clouds covered the sky, not yet giving up the snow they were promised to give. I was nearly home by now. Just a few more blocks.
The idea that I had only loved a fantasy version of Chris sickened me to the core. The whole time, I thought I was in love with him, but actually, I wanted a made-up version of Chris to love me. I wanted him to this super-romantic guy who said all the right things, did all the right things.
What about the real Chris? What about him?
This whole time, I was so wrapped up in what I wanted; I didn’t stop to think about the way he felt, and how I could support him. I only thought about how he could support me. But what about what he wanted or needed from me?
He needed me to come home.
He needed me to tell him he was important, that he mattered to me, to be by his side no matter what. He needed me to be an anchor for him, steadfast in my support of him and of us. He needed me to never let him go.
And have I done any of those things? No.
By now, the first few flakes started to fall from the sky. It was slight at first, not even making a dent on the dead grass in the yards.
Jeremy was right. I did love a fantasy version of Chris. I hated myself, but unlike before, it was a deeper hatred. It was a hatred of knowing I had let Chris down in the worst possible way, of knowing that I had betrayed his trust. I hurt him deep in his heart. I did it. Me. I couldn’t blame anyone else on this one. I couldn’t say Jeremy manipulated me. I promised Chris, and I broke that promise.
This deeper hatred I had of myself burned into my soul. It’s not like a “poor me” type of hatred, of which I had a lot the past several days. It was a hatred that convicted me that what I did was wrong and hurtful. I hated myself for what I’d become.
I knew all this, but did I feel the rush of emotion, of knowing once and for all that I loved him? No. I just knew it in my head. I knew I had messed up, sure, and I knew I needed to apologize with all my heart, but it still didn’t feel like I loved him. That part of me still felt very far away.
I turned and walked down the street toward my house. By now, big huge flakes around me fell on the ground and the sidewalk, melting at first but slowly covering the ground in white. It was like the world had come alive with snow.
I came to my yard and quickly walked up the steps. I put my hand on the doorknob when something on the floor on the right side of the door caught my eye. My mouth dropped open.
It was the box of photos from my room. The one I had taken down from my wall and put in the trash. It was here, right in front of me.
I knelt in front of the box and gingerly opened the flap. What was it doing here?
At the top of the box was a picture of us at three years old in my front yard. I don’t remember this personally, but my mom has told me about it so many times I feel like I almost do. The Howard’s moving truck had just arrived. I came out with Mom and baby Mark, and she introduced us and asked if Chris wanted to play in our yard while they unpacked. They said yes, and although we were shy at first, we soon played like we’d always known each other. When it became late afternoon, and it was time to go to dinner, we didn’t want to leave each other. I held onto Chris and he held onto me. My mom took a picture of us holding each other with the moving truck in the background, noting how in just one day; we were the best of friends.
I pulled out the next picture. I do remember this one. This was me standing next to Chris in his uniform after his first basketball game. He was eight years old. I remember beforehand he told me he didn’t really want to play; he just did it because his parents wanted him to. I gave him a hug and told him it was okay. He smiled at me. Then he played and scored eight points in the game. He was happy he had done so well. The picture was taken after the game, and he had such a great smile. I remember being proud of him and I was smiling too.
In the next picture, Chris was in regular clothes and I was in costume. It was my first play. I was one of the townspeople in Aladdin Jr. and only had one line. But right before, I was so nervous. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be on stage in front of everyone. Chris gave me a hug and said it was okay. I smiled at him. Then when the play started and it came to my scene, I went onstage and said the line with no fear at all. Afterward, I was so proud of myself. I remember right before our parents took this picture of us together, Chris said to me, “I knew you could do it.”
The following picture was at our 10th birthday party. Really, his birthday was in March and mine was in May, but that year we had the awesome idea to have a joint birthday party in April. Our families still celebrated our actual birthdays, of course. In this picture, I was holding up a “Best” sign and Chris was holding up a “Friends” sign. Later I added in Sharpie below, “Forever,” because we always said that to each other. We made it a tradition every year after that.
I pulled out another one of my favorite pictures. It was our first play together when we were 11 years old. We were dressed in clothes from the 1900s. The play was The Music Man. I played Zaneeta Shinn, the mayor’s daughter, and Chris was Tommy Djilas, the boy she loves in the musical. I loved rehearsing with Chris, both in rehearsals and at home. He really worked hard at the first one, I guess to get over quitting basketball after what Jeremy did to him. Right before our parents took the picture, I remember his mom saying how proud she was of him. I knew that meant a lot to him and I was so happy for him.
Then I saw it: the eighth-grade play picture. Those were our first lead roles: Robin Hood and Maid Marian. Even though the director usually gives lead roles to eighth graders, I felt that we would be turned down because of the rumor about us the previous year (we were suspended during the auditions period that previous school year and all the roles were conveniently filled), but the director said we were the best ones who auditioned. It was a difficult rehearsal because many of our cast mates kept their distance from us, but our parents were very proud of us. I saw the confidence on our faces, for the first time in a long time.
I hesitated to pull out the next picture. The glass was cracked, probably when I dropped it in the garbage can. But I made myself pull it out and relive the memory. It was me and Chris as Romeo and Juliet. I remember so clearly feeling that tension of wanting Chris to be in love with me, waiting for him to realize it. I remember the hurt I felt when I thought he did not love me back, and then feeling the empathy Chris had for me, even though he didn’t get my feelings for him.
Now I understand! That was the moment when my desire for the fantasy Chris overpowered my love for my best friend Chris. I thought it was love because it dealt with emotions relating to love. I so wanted it to be real that it all came crashing down when I finally confronted Chris with my feelings.
At the time, it seemed that Chris was not romantically attracted to me, but did he love me over the years? He certainly cared about me. He supported me. He wanted to be by my side no matter what. And, just the same, I cared about him, supported him, and I wanted to be by his side just like he did. And isn’t that what love is, caring about each other, supporting each other, wanting to be by each other’s side? When I thought about it that way, Chris and I had loved each other from the start.
Now, granted, Chris wasn’t perfect. At times, his fear of Jeremy kept him from completely caring about and supporting me. He would do nothing rather than speak up for fear of being hurt. He reacted with fear rather than with love. And at times, he would be so scared of a romantic relationship; he would rather pull away from me than connect with me.
But I was not so innocent either. I let Jeremy sway me with sweet romantic words and entice me with his touch. But I didn’t love him or want to be with him. I just wanted the romantic gestures because Chris would not give them to me. I was also so enticed by a romantic relationship that I forgot to actually support and care for the real Chris.
I realized Chris had confronted his fear of Jeremy and actually talked with me. He told me he loved me. He told me he cared about me. And more than that, he told me I loved him back.
I did. I did love Chris Howard. I always have. Through all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings, I still loved Chris. It was him and no one else. He cared about me and supported me in a way no one else could.
Every single one of the photos showed our love for each other. I looked back in the box and shivered in the cold. There was one photo that was upside down, and on the back, it said, “Best Friends Forever, no matter what.” I looked at the white back, trying to remember what the photo depicted. I picked it up and turned it over. It was me and Chris, during seventh grade. We were holding each other. It was the day we went back to school, the day after our suspensions were revoked because the rumor about us turned about to be a lie. I pulled the photo to my chest and looked out beyond the porch.
***
2 Years Ago, Lydia 12 Years Old, Chris 12 Years Old
Lydia.
I was suspended from school for something Chris and I didn’t do. But to make it all worse, my parents told me to stay away from my best friend in the whole world. I looked around my room at all the pictures of me and Chris together. I never even got to tell him I loved him. Never told him how much he meant to me.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. My mom opened it a second later.
“Lydia, come downstairs please.”
“Okay,” I sighed and reluctantly and slowly got up and walked down the stairs.
As I came down the stairs, there was Chris, and his parents, sitting in my living room. What was going on? My heart started beating out of my chest.
Chris.
I really hope that this was actually happening, that Lydia really was coming down those stairs. The last three days were the worst I’ve ever had in my life. A few minutes ago, I was in the living room watching TV and my mom and dad were both talking in hushed tones on the phone as if they were planning some conspiracy. When the call ended, they came and said we had to go next door.
Lydia sat next to her parents and we looked at each other.
“We haven’t heard back from the school yet, but when we called yesterday, they were still sorting through everyone who had heard the rumor,” Lydia’s dad started. “But, uh, that’s not why we’re here. We’re here because we had a long discussion about you two. Without knowing the final verdict, we decided that you two were not, nor have you ever been in an inappropriate relationship. The student who went on record about you two, whoever he or she was, was not telling the truth. There is nothing based on what have seen of you two over the past nine years to indicate that you two would do such a thing. You two were exactly right, we should have trusted you. We are very sorry for doubting you, and all of us promise to trust you from now on.”
We both looked at each other. Lydia was close to tears.
“It’s okay,” my mom said. “You can hug.”
Lydia.
We walked slowly up to each other and put our arms around each other.
“Chris,” I cried to him. “You’re the best friend I could ever have.”
Chris.
I held her tighter and said to her, “There is no one else I’d rather be with right now. No one else.” We held each other for a long time.
The next day the school called, and they said the student recounted the story about us, admitting that it was all a lie. They expunged the suspension from our records and apologized. Our parents were furious that we were suspended based on a lie, but the damage was done. We only had each other as best friends from then on.
***
Present.
Chris.
That moment was so precious to me because I thought I’d lost her forever. The ground had a layer of white now, the big flakes sticking to the ground. It took longer to stick to the sidewalk but it was doing that too. Everything was becoming white, becoming brand new.
As I neared my house, I wished more than anything I could just convince Lydia that she loved me and I loved her. After so long of keeping my feelings under wraps, I wanted more than anything to tell her again how much I loved her. How much I cared about her and would never let her go.
Lydia.
Chris loved me more than anything else in the world. Even when he didn’t show it, deep down I knew. From the time, we were little kids to this very moment.
Besides all the photos on the ground, there was a piece of paper. I picked it up and turned it over. It was Chris’ handwriting. These memories are worth saving. We are worth saving. I love you. Chris.
Chris.
I turned onto our street and walked down the sidewalk to my house. Then I saw her: Lydia was on the porch, looking at the note I wrote her with the box of photos I saved from the trash.
There was a part of me that told me to go to her. To give our love one more chance. I bit my lip and slowly walked toward Lydia on the porch.
She looked up. In that instant, I knew.
She jumped up off the porch and ran toward me. We came together in a hug on her lawn. To feel her again, to know she was there was the best thing in the world.
Lydia.
I pulled back and looked into his eyes. “You were right. I do love you. I always have. And…you love me.”
“I do love you, Lydia. I love you with everything I have.”
“I love you so much, I can’t even begin to describe it,” I started. “I don’t deserve you, I don’t. Not after what I did to you –”
He cut me off. “No, I don’t deserve you, Lydia. Not after I didn’t express my love for you. And you came back. The Lydia I know came back. Please, please don’t ever doubt yourself again.” I nodded. He was right.
Chris.
I took a deep breath. It’s time. Now was the right moment. “I wasn’t ready before, but I’m ready now. I am.”
.
Lydia.
There was no way I could not accept this beautiful gift he gave me. He laid out his heart and I accepted it. He knew my heart and he wrapped himself around it. He was mine and I was his. I pulled him close to me and softly kissed him.
Chris.
She pulled away and looked at me. “You kiss by the book,” I told her, and smiled.
She smiled back at me and rested her head on my shoulder. We stood there a minute in the falling snow, the flakes slowly covering our shoulders and hair.
“I love you, Lydia,” I told her.
Lydia.
“I love you, Chris,” I said back to him. “Best Friends Forever?”
“Best Friends Forever,” he said. There is nothing better than loving your best friend. He opened the door and walked me into my house, which was the start of our story, together. The story we would tell for the rest of our lives.