Chapter 8: Wilt Thou Leave Me So Unsatisfied?

4 Months Ago, Lydia age 14, Chris age 14.

Lydia.

I couldn’t believe Chris and I were accepted to Morgan’s Camp for the Arts. We signed up for the theater camp, and we knew ahead of time that Romeo and Juliet was the play the eighth graders were doing.

The camp was situated on one side of Zirconium Lake. The performance theater and main office building were situated near the entrance parking lot in a grassy area, with an amphitheater and dining hall further down close to the lake. To the left of the woods were ten cabins, which were situated in a circle around a trail, one on each side, one for boys and one for girls.

Our moms forced smiles on their faces as we said goodbye we walked to our cabins: Robin Cabin for me, Cardinal Cabin for Chris. We had a month away from our parents. And that “Incident” that was a year ago was finally behind us.  It was time to finally tell Chris I was in love with him.

I bit my lip and nodded as I met the cabin counselors and other girls in the cabin. After spending the afternoon in our cabin, we went down to the dining hall for dinner. Chris and I quickly found each other and sat together at the end of one of the tables.

The Camp Director, Ryan stood up on a small stage and gave introductions to all the cabins and cabin counselors. Then he followed with announcements.

“If you are in theater camp, meet at the performance hall near the entrance to the camp. We are very excited all of you are here and ready to hone your artistic skills!”

Everyone clapped and cheered.  We headed out the door and walked across the grass to the performance hall with the other theater camp kids. Everyone looked a mix of excited and nervous. We filed through the lobby and into the theater and down the aisles to the first few rows like we had been told. I sat beside Chris in a cushioned chair where the seat automatically turned up when not in use.

“Welcome to theater camp!” Theater Director Louise said to us. “As some of you know, we are doing Romeo and Juliet this summer.”

A few kids groaned.

“I know, I know. Some of you are like, ‘It’s Shakespeare, all this Middle English is really hard, there is no way I could get into the ‘thees’ and ‘thous’ and all of that.’ Well, that is the hard part, yes. But the story of Romeo and Juliet is filled with so much excitement. For those of you that don’t know, it’s about two very wealthy and powerful rival families who hate each other, the Capulet’s and the Montague’s. But what happens is that Juliet, a Capulet, and Romeo, a Montague, fall in love with each other.”

A murmur started running throughout the group. Louise smiled. “I see that I’m whetting your appetite for this story. I know that Shakespeare’s Middle English can be daunting, but I promise you, this will be a fun ride.”

She continued: “Now, I know that a lot of you who know the play would like to have the lead roles of Romeo and Juliet. What I’m looking for is a willingness to put yourself out in front of everyone confidently. Having said that, raise your hand if you would like to practice a scene between Romeo and Juliet in front us right now.”

Chris and I looked at each other for one second and then quickly raised our hands. We turned back to Louise, who pointed out in the crowd. “Okay, you and you in the front, you on the right and you on the left, and you two in the middle,” she said. “Come down to me.”

We walked down and stood beside her, looking out at forty or so other theater campers.

The boy and the girl in the front but standing on the opposite end of the row were Brian and Stephanie. The boy from the right side and the girl from the left side were Matt and Grace. And finally, there was me and Chris.

Matt and Grace and Brian and Stephanie bombed – badly. 

“All right, Lydia and Chris,” Louise continued. “Let’s see what you’ve got. Start with Romeo’s line, ‘Lady, by yonder blessed moon.’

Chris looked at me and then made a half turn toward the audience. He said loudly and clearly, “Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear, that tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops—”

I cut him off and nearly yelled, “O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.” I put out my free hand for emphasis.

Chris put on a confused expression. “What shall I swear by?”

I looked at him dead straight in the eyes, and acted if he had committed some terrible act, “Do not swear at all; or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self, which is the god of my idolatry, and I’ll believe thee.”

Chris bit his lip as if thinking over it, and then continued, “If my heart’s dear love—”

I cut him off again, “Well, do not swear: although I have joy in thee.” I started backing away and shaking my head. “I have no joy of this contract to-night: It is too rash, too unadvised, and too sudden; too like the lightning, which doth cease to be, ere one can say ‘It lightens.’ Sweet, good night! This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet. Good night, good night! As sweet repose and rest, come to thy heart as that within my breast!”

A few people chuckled at the last word, and I cringed. But Louise shushed them and motioned for us to continue.

He ran toward me (as he thought Romeo would) and came up to within a foot of my face. His face dropped. I breathed in and out, and then said, “O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?”

It was my turn to look confused, “What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?”

Chris put up his hands as if it was so obvious, and then he said tenderly, “The exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine.”

I barely looked down at the words before I said, “I gave thee mine before thou didst request it: And yet I would it were to give again.”

“Yes!” Louise stood up with her hands raised. “That is what I’m looking for. Projection, taking the lines seriously, passion, romance, it was all there. Give these two a round of applause.”

They clapped and some of the kids even cheered. We turned to each other and smiled. “I was going to announce this later, but you two gave such a great performance I’ve already decided: Ladies and Gentlemen, give a hand to your new Romeo and Juliet!”

They clapped and cheered.

I couldn’t believe it. We were going to be Romeo and Juliet, just like we wanted. “We did it,” I whispered to him. He nodded and smiled back.

The next few weeks were spent learning the Middle English dialogue and participating in the theater exercises. I kept waiting for that right moment to tell Chris, but it always seemed like the wrong time. We’d get wrapped up in rehearsing the play or hanging out with our cabin-mates and it passed.

A few days before halfway through the month, Director Ryan announced that on the day “right in between the beginning and the end of camp,” we were going to have a camp-wide dance party. The rest of the audience cheered. We just looked at each other confused.

But still, here, away from school, wouldn’t it be great to give it a chance? Just let loose, like Director Ryan said, and forget about all the pressures? But before I could even open my mouth, Chris turned to me from across the cafeteria table and said, “We’re not going to do that, right? I mean, it’s just not us.”

Just like, he had closed the door on that. I mean, he meant well. He was still on school mode, in terms of our friendship. But then I thought about it: we’d just be sitting, watching everyone else dance.

“Yeah, sure,” I mumbled.

The next few days were a blur of rehearsals. The two nights before the dance night, we were doing activities and rehearsals with our theater group.

At the end of the night right before the dance, some of the guys and girls were acting awkward around each other. Then suddenly couples left and right started appearing.

All those couples were around me. I wanted Chris and me to be one of them. Why couldn’t we just put our past aside for just one night? I’ve been in love with Chris since I was a little girl. This was my chance to finally act on it.

Then Brian and Grace and Matt and Stephanie and a few other couples came down and stood right in front of us. Brian started, “Come on, we’ve seen the chemistry between you two.”

“Yeah,” Stephanie said. “We know you’re best friends and all, but you’ve got to admit you’re at least a bit interested in going to the dance tomorrow night.”

The rest of couples said something in agreement. “So, what do you say?” Matt said to us. “Come join us.”

Chris took a deep breath and said, “Sorry, guys, but dances aren’t our thing.”

My heart sank. Here was our chance, right here in front of us, and we were missing it.

I said nothing but forced a smile.   Come on, Lydia, you don’t have to just go along with what Chris wants.  But I understood Chris and his reasons.  That was the problem.

The next day, everyone was distracted, talking about the dance that night. Louise threw up her hands at one point and said everyone gets a five-minute break. She walked out and we sat down.

But then Louise came back and walked straight toward us. She kneeled down in front of us. “I need to ask you guys something: In the script, the leads clearly kiss. In order for the story to be believable, you two will need to do that. You will even need to kiss during rehearsals, so you can get comfortable with doing it during performance night. I know you’re best friends, and there might be some awkwardness about it. Are you guys going to be okay with all that?”

“Yes,” Chris said confidently. “We’ve been in several other plays. We know it is part of the role. We got this.”

My disappointment with not going to the dance was slowly eradicated. Chris, Chris insisted that we wouldn’t have a problem kissing in the play. Now, yes, I know it’s because it’s part of the script and all that. But still, one victory in my book.

“Yeah,” I told her. “Don’t worry about that. We can do it.”

“Good. And one more thing,” Louise continued, “Rumor is on the street that you two aren’t going to participate in the dance tonight. Come on guys, have some fun.”

She smiled and got up. “Okay, people, let’s get started!”

I smiled in spite of myself. Chris gave me a weird look. “What?” He said as he stood up.

I gulped as I realized I had to explain myself. “It’s…it’s funny,” I stammered. “Even Louise.”

Chris just shook his head and rolled his eyes. Oh, come on. Did the idea have to so bad?

After rehearsals, we just ate dinner in silence. Then we cleaned up our table and went to go sit in a corner while everyone else took their positions on the dance floor with their partners. The music started and everyone started dancing extremely close to each other.

Well, it was finally here, and all I could do was to watch everyone else dancing. I couldn’t even move myself to turn around and look at him.

All I needed to do was turn around and he’ll ask, “What?” And I’ll say, “There’s something I need to talk to you about, something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time”. Then he’ll say, “What is it?” Then I’ll say, “I love you, Chris”. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember.”

Then he’ll say, “I’ve known. I always have known. In fact, I’ve been in love with you too; I just couldn’t bring myself to say it to you.” I’ll smile at that, and say, “That was my problem too. I’m so glad we got this out in the open. I was so afraid you didn’t feel the way I felt”. He’ll then put his hand on my cheek and say, “I’ve always loved you, Lydia, even when we were kids. You’re my one and only, Lydia. I love you.”

Then I’ll start crying with joy. Chris will become confused and say, “Don’t cry, Lydia”. He’ll brush the tears out of my eyes. And I’ll say, “No, no, it’s okay. I’m crying because I’m so happy to be with you” And then he’ll say, “Me too”. And then he’d bring my face closer to his and we’d kiss. We’ll kiss right in front of everyone dancing.

But all of that was in my head.

I just sat there in the corner beside Chris, numb, doing nothing, while all couples swirled around each other and danced close to each other. We just sat there while everyone else was having fun.

Then the music changed to a slower, more romantic song. The couples wrapped themselves around each other. The other couples made it look so easy. Not for me.  I took a deep breath and kept my tears inside, kept my feelings inside.

Ryan got up on stage and said, “This is the last song of the night. Hope you guys had fun!”

As the music started up, my opportunity slipped away. With doubts filled in my mind, panic started to rise up within me.

I turned to Chris and looked at him. “What?” he asked.

“Uh, nothing,” I turned away from him.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around– just as the song ended. Ryan got up and said, “Good night, everybody! Get some sleep, and we’ll see you tomorrow!”

He had a guilty look on his face. “Lydia, did you want to dance?”

I turned to him and admitted, “It looked like fun.”

The counselors were starting to gather up their campers and calling for their cabins. As much as I was confused how I felt about Chris, I didn’t want to leave him.

“Yeah, I know,” He said guiltily. “Look, uh…I’m sorry. We could have danced.”

I turned to him and forced a smile. “It’s okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

We gave each other a quick hug and then we made our way through the crowd to our cabin counselors and fellow campers. I walked outside and looked up at the full moon. It was very romantic.

As I came closer back to the cabin, I realized I had another chance. We were going kiss soon in rehearsal. If I still feel something when I kiss him, then I know that all I’ve been feeling isn’t something I made up in my head. I’m not giving up yet.

***

Lydia.

After the rehearsal right now, there was one more tonight after dinner and a dress rehearsal before the performance in the afternoon.

For this scene, the director had told us to go ahead and kiss this time, so that we would start being comfortable performing it by the time of the performance tomorrow.

It was the fifth scene of the play. In the Capulet’s house, Juliet caught Romeo’s eyes, after Romeo sneaks into their house where a dance was going on. Then Romeo snuck across the room, where they meet for the first time, and then they kiss. That’s how much attraction they had, even at the beginning.

Chris came up to me and gently took my hand. “If I profane my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready to stand smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”

Chris took my hand up to his lips and kissed them. That part we had done before many times.

“Good pilgrim,” I responded, slowly taking my hand away. “You do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion in this: for saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.”

He put his hand on my cheek. “Have not saints’ lips and holy palmers too?”

The room felt totally electrified. I never thought it was going to happen, but I really was going to kiss Chris. I wanted so badly for him to feel that the kiss was real, more than just acting.

I stared into his eyes and recited the lines, as loudly as I could, though it felt barely above a whisper. “Ay, pilgrim, lips they use in prayer.”

“O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair to despair.”

I wasn’t searching for the next line, as they seemed to flow out of me naturally like it was part of me.

Chris moved closer to me until our foreheads were almost touching.

“Saints do not move, though grant for prayer’s sake,” I said to him.

My heart was beating out of my chest. This was it. The moment I’d been waiting for so long to happen. And it was finally here.

Chris said, “Then move not while my prayer’s effect I take. Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.”

Fireworks were going off in my heart. “Then have my lips the sin that they have took.”  No way could either of us back out now.  Chris took a deep breath and closed his eyes…

Our lips came together for the first time in our lives.

That was amazing. No more doubt about it, I’m in love with Chris. All these years, these feelings which I had since I was a little kid and felt through middle school now, and even through rehearsals of this play, finally came through loud and clear: I’m in love with Chris Howard. I didn’t just want to be best friends with him; I wanted to start a great romance with him, like Romeo and Juliet.  He and I would tell each other our most inner feelings about each other, hold each other close and kiss forever.  I was truly and completely in love with Chris.

I smiled at him, and he tried his best to keep his lips moving and continue the scene: “Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again.”

We kissed again.

Wow…just wow. I nearly lost my train of thought. “You kiss by the book.”

I smiled at him. Why didn’t he return the smile?

Then the nurse came in, and the rest of the scene started to play out. I was in love with Chris, yes, but was he in love with me? I suddenly realized I had no idea.

Wait, what was my line? “I…uh…the more is my unrest.”

He kept looking at me with questioning eyes as I finished the scene with the nurse. Oh, no, he must think I’m crazy for looking at him that way. No, no, no. It’s not true, is it? He has to be love with me.  Just like Romeo, it was the role he was born to play with me.  Why didn’t he want it?

It was so hard to continue rehearsal not knowing. But the whole time, I kept getting the sinking feeling that Chris wasn’t in love with me…

All those years not knowing…now I did know and I wished I hadn’t. The idea of us, being in love, to Chris seemed foreign and repulsive. I could just see it on his face.  But he was supposed to be just as in love with me as I was with him! I was so sure of it.

After dinner was an hour of free time. I walked immediately to the farthest corner of the auditorium and sat down and looked at the wall. It was a dark corner of the seats behind the sound booth on the left side.

Maybe I was stupid to think he was in love with me too. If I ever told him, he might think I was being completely ridiculous and we should never talk about it again.

It was probably just as well.

I can’t do this anymore. I have to tell the director to use the understudy because I was done. I just want to get out of here and go home.

“Lydia,” Chris said softly. I still jumped and turned to him standing beside me. He had a concerned look on his face.

I tried to speak to him but no words came out.

“I don’t know exactly what’s going on…I just want to let you know, I’m here for you,” he said. “I’m right here.”

He knelt down and put his arms around me. Instinctively I put my arms around him. I was still very hurt, but I did know that I had a best friend who really cared about me. And he was here holding me way too long, comforting me for being upset that he wasn’t even in love with me. That made absolutely no sense. But still, he was here for me.

“All right people, Act Five from the top,” Director Louise said to all of us.

Chris and I got up and started walking down to the front. We got down to the front row and Chris put a comforting hand on my arm. He smiled at me and said, “It’s going to be okay.”

Chris really did care about me. And if he really did care about me, then maybe he really was in love with me.

And maybe I was forcing something to happen when it wasn’t the right time yet. I needed to wait, maybe until we got back home and in school, to make another move.  Chris was right. It was going to be okay. I just needed to wait a little bit longer.

***

Present.

Lydia.

Eleven years. That’s how long I’ve known Chris. And more than four months since the play ended. It was nearly Thanksgiving, and nothing has happened.

Oh, I wish I could get Jeremy out of mind. He was so cute…could be so nice sometimes. Frustrating, amazing, muscular, insane, charming, probably manipulative, I wanted him to leave my mind forever…and I hoped that maybe, just maybe he would touch me in the slightest way again.

But Chris…this whole time he has done nothing. He just stood there while I took all of Jeremy’s flirting.  And then Amanda came in and he did nothing… Chris said he was my best friend and that he cared about me…but…I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I needed to be alone.

“Let’s get our homework done quickly, so we can do some fun stuff,” Chris said excitedly as we came up to our front yards.

“I want to study alone today,” I blurted.

He looked confused. “What? But why?”

I just glared at him and started walking toward my door.

I opened the door –

“Lydia, what did I –?”

Slam!

“Hi Lydia,” Mom said from the kitchen as I walked in. “Wait, where’s Chris?”

“He’s at home,” I blurted as I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could.

“Wait, why? Lydia!”

But I ignored her as I rushed up the stairs two at a time. When I got to the top, Mark came out of his room and stood in front of me.

“You’ve been acting very weird lately,” he said, but I pushed around him and went straight to my room. I shut the door behind me and locked it.

Chris…Chris doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even seem to care about me anymore.

I flung the backpack on the floor and struggled to stand on my feet, I was heaving so much. I forced myself to take a deep breath but it was no use.

Juliet’s lines came back to me: O, break, my heart! Poor bankrupt, break at once! To prison, eyes ne’er look on liberty! Vile earth, to earth, resigns; end motion here!

“Lydia, are you all right?” My mom called from behind the door.

“Please…leave me alone,” I managed to say to her.

I could hear muffled voices as Mark and Mom started walking down the stairs.

I turned to look at my room. I had a huge poster board full of pictures of me and Chris. There were pictures of us when we were little, at birthday parties and special occasions. There were pictures of me at his games when he used to play basketball, then of him after my early performances. But my favorite pictures were the most recent, of the both of us in costume for the plays we did together. We were in The Music Man as Zanneta and Tommy and Robin Hood as Maid Marian and Robin Hood.

And there it was... us as Romeo and Juliet. That was in a picture frame on my dresser. He wasn’t in love with me. What I saw now in every single one was cluelessness, that same fake smile in every picture. He never loved me as anything more than a friend.

These memories, that I put so much stock in, felt fake and meaningless. Everything I’d ever hoped for, ever dreamed, was ruined. I just wanted Chris to be my imaginary knight in shining armor, my romantic hero. But he wasn’t that at all. It was all acting. None of it was real. 

I walked over to my poster board and took off the photo of us smiling in clothes from the 1900s after our performance of the Music Man. No, I couldn’t look at it anymore. I took off another one, this time after one of his basketball games. Then the Sound of Music came down, followed by Robin Hood and plays from before Chris started with me. They all came down.

Then there was the picture of us in Romeo and Juliet. No. That was the biggest lie of all.

I went to the closet and grabbed an empty shoe box and put all the pictures on the poster board in there, and then took the picture frame of us at Romeo and Juliet and put it on top, and closed the box.

I looked at the box, all my memories and supposedly happy moments shoved into it.

Wait, what was I doing? I know Chris wasn’t allowed in my room (and I wasn’t allowed in his) but if he ever knew that I took down every single picture of us together, it would still hurt his feelings very much. I sat down on the bed, blinking back tears with this pain in my throat that never seemed to go away.

I could still hear Chris’s words: We did it! We finally beat Jeremy!

There is no end, no limit, measure, bound, in that word’s death; no words can that woe sound.

I couldn’t do it anymore. I let go of the lid and it fell back on top of the box. Chris may hate me for what I did if he ever found out, but I can’t put them back up. Not anymore.

I got up and opened my closet door. I pushed the box as far into the corner as possible and shoved some of the shoes in front it. I shut the closet door and laid down on my bed. I wished for all the world things were different and Chris would knock on the door and tell me he realized the truth that he loved me. Closing my eyes, I tried to listen to even the slightest movement downstairs. But it was quiet.